Author: Josh

I’ve had two weird dreams in the past few days. I usually don’t remember my dreams. I’ve also been waking up before my alarm. On Monday morning I dreamt that I was bitten on my left big toe by a cobra. Elise and I were visiting with some random anglo man outside of a temple type building. I looked up and noticed a cobra dangling from a wooden cylinder that was part of the building’s architecture. As I stepped away, I felt a sharp pain on my foot. I looked down to see a cobra letting loose of my toe and slithering off.

I asked Elise and Mr. Random Anglo to rush me to the hospital. They were in no hurry. I started getting mad. I told them that I was beginning to feel light headed. Still no rush. Elise and Mr. Anglo just continued to talk. I began walking to the Jeep, I guess to take myself to the hospital and that’s when the alarm went off.

I told Elise about this dream. She wondered if I felt as if she was neglecting me in some way.

I had a dream this morning where a group of us witnessed a man who was run over by one of those rolling pin tractors that are used when paving a road. He wasn’t crushed, he was just pressed into the ground. He pulled himself out of his self-shaped hole and started walking around.

Today is Elise’s first full day on the job as the Catering Manager for El Arroyo. She will no longer be working with me anymore. I was made aware of this situation yesterday evening. It never dawned on me that I wouldn’t be seeing my wife in the office anymore. We will no longer be able to go home for lunch together.

Elise and I made the long trek to the frozen tundra known as Des Moines over the long Fourth of July weekend. By frozen tundra, I mean 100 + degrees and more humid than Houston. Really. It was cooler in Austin when we left last Wednesday evening.

Elise and I stayed in Dallas with our friend Jenni. We woke up early and drove straight through to Des Moines. Texas. Oklahoma. Kansas. Missouri. Iowa. I-35 the whole way. We stopped and took pictures of yours truly by the state line signs. Another couple had the same idea. This other couple pulled in behind us at the Oklahoma sign, and then again at the Kansas sign. What are the odds of that happening? They were heading to Nebraska so we didn’t see them at the Missouri sign.

After stopping in northern Missouri to purchase bulk quantities of colorful explosives from the largest fireworks warehouse I’ve ever seen, we chugged on through to Des Moines. We exchanged quick hellos with Elise’s parents and then headed over to Lindsey’s house to meet her new son, Liam. After 12 + hours in the car, we were both ready for bed. We drove back to Steve and Joanne’s house to find that the air conditioning was not working. Steve and Joanne volunteered to be part of a program through the local utility company where their home’s air conditioner will be turned off (remotely by the utility company) for 20 minutes during peak hours. After a couple hours, we realized that something wasn’t right. Elise and I were so tired that we really didn’t have a hard time falling to sleep despite the hot and humid inside climate.

We woke up on Friday and went to the Fourth of July parade in Urbandale with Heather and her daughter Juliet and Jimmy and his two girls. After the parade Elise and I went to Mom and Dad B’s house where Steve and I painted the back deck with a primer. In the hot sun. I sweated. Profusely. Texas-sized beads of sweat, man.

After a cold shower (still no air conditioning), Elise and I went to Pat and Traci’s house in West Des Moines for a FOJ barbecue. That’s Fourth of July for you PWCFOAVW. That’s People Who Can’t Figure Out Acronyms Very Well. After a great bratwurst barbecue, Heather, Jimmy, Juliet, Elise and I drove to Grandma T’s house to sit in the Cold Day Sack and watch the Urbandale fireworks display. Oh yeah, that’s French for a street shaped not much unlike a thermometer.

The fireworks display was awesome. Plus, after five years of being with Elise and knowing most of her family, I was finally able to meet Uncle Mike. Uncle Mike is Joanne’s brother. He reminds me of one of my uncles. Everyone always ‘warned’ me of Uncle Mike. I actually enjoyed Uncle Mike’s company. My in-laws were keeping an eye on me and even extended an invitation to join in on their conversation just a few feet away, I guess to keep me from harm. See, Uncle Mike is approximately 6′ 7″ and, if I had to guess, approximately 375 lbs. and prone to giving loving, but vertebrae splintering bear hugs. He’s a very compassionate man who just doesn’t know his own strength. I was told that he once fractured a man’s humorous when engaging in a standard hi-five after a soft ball game.

I’m just joshin’. Uncle Mike is probably 5′ 8″ and a buck and a half. He’s the “black sheep”. I put that in quotes because that’s what I was told. He uses one of those microphone-shaped-voice-box-vibrator things to speak because he had his larynx removed due to cancer. After we warmed up to one another, I asked if I could try out his voice. He said no. I asked if he would be willing to Sumo wrestle for it. He said okay. I then decided that it would take me to long to find my diaper and I didn’t think I had another one to spare for him. So instead, we just watched the fireworks. Uncle Mike kept saying “zzzzzzzzBoomzzzzzzz”. and then we would both laugh.

After the fireworks display ended, Elise, Eric (Elise’s brother), Kari and I did the only patriotic thing we could think of: Drive into someone else’s corn field and ignite consumer-grade fireworks that just so happen to be illegal in the state of Iowa. I mention a corn field because there aren’t that many corn fields in Iowa. Believe me. Luckily I was traveling with natives of this Midwestern region and they were able to navigate to a remote location that contained a few stalks of corn. I couldn’t have done that on my own.

Our patriotism was cut short by near-tornadic winds and rain. We tracked four pounds of corn soil and a gallon of water into the Jeep, took Kari home, then Eric. Elise and I then went home.

We woke up on Saturday and went to the farmers’ market. Steve and Joanne bought some fresh greens, Iowa chops and some funny looking yellow vegetables. These vegetables have very small “kernels” growing in near-symmetric rows on something that I was told is called an “ear”. Elise and I bought a little over a pound of farm raised elk tenderloin filets from some very friendly locals. The marketing strategy that forced me into buying their product: Mr. Reitsma let us all sample an elk round steak. I’m really excited about cooking the filets we brought back with us.

We went to Autographs Rock ‘n’ Roll Sports Bar & Grill for lunch where Eric gave us the V.I.P. treatment. That meant sitting in the V.I.P. room and eating waaaay too much food. Eric is the Kitchen Manager at Autographs. I was lucky enough to be sitting in front of a glass encased Stratocaster, signed by all of the members of Metallica.

Later that evening Elise and I went over to Lindsey’s house to hang out with Lindsey, Liam, Heather, Juliet, Kari and Lindsey’s parents. Elise and I went back home and Steve and I sat on our primed porch and talked about life and motorcycles until the wee hours of the morning.

We woke up late on Sunday just in time for Iowa chops, mixed green salad and that weird cylindrical-shaped yellow “ear” vegetable. Elise and I then packed, loaded the Jeep, said our sad goodbyes and hit the road. We stopped in Kansas to visit Elise’s Grandpa. Unfortunately it wasn’t a face to face conversation. We looked down at Grandpa T’s grave which is nestled next to a nice shade tree. I didn’t say it out loud, but I thanked Grandpa T. for Joanne, and ultimately Elise.

Elise drove the entire nine hours to Norman, Oklahoma where we stopped and stayed at the Super 8. We had a couple of beers to relax and then went to bed.

I drove the last leg all the way back to Austin on Monday. We were exhausted when we finally made it back home. Coming home is always such a bummer. Although the trip was short, we had a really nice time. It was good to see Elise’s family, friends and friends’ new babies. And Nooooooo – before you ask – we’re not there yet – Baby-wise, I mean.

Elise and I are embarking on our trip to the city of Des Moines this evening. We will be leaving after work and staying the night with our friend, Jenni in Dallas. We will then wake up first thing in the morning and drive straight through.

I really wasn’t looking forward to this trip at first, but now I’m getting excited. I wasn’t excited because at the time of discussion, we didn’t have a lot of money and I know — I’m calling it here — something is going to happen to the Jeep. I’m putting my money on a blowout somewhere in northern Kansas.

According to my calculations, the drive one way is 934.94 miles and will take us 15 hours and 12 minutes. Wuff.

I made this recipe last night. I added a teaspoon of spicy red curry paste and a ton of chopped cilantro for a little kick. I liked this dish a lot. Elise didn’t like it as much.

Szechuan Noodles

6 garlic cloves, chopped
1/4 cup fresh ginger, peeled and chopped
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup tahini (sesame paste)
1/2 cup smooth peanut butter
1/2 cup good soy sauce
1/4 cup dry sherry
1/4 cup sherry vinegar
1/.4 cup honey
1/2 teaspoon hot chili oil
2 tablespoons dark sesame oil
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/8 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper
1 pound spaghetti
1 red bell pepper, julienned
1 yellow bell pepper, julienned
4 scallions, sliced diagonally (white and green parts)

Place the garlic and ginger in a food processor fitted with a steel blade. Add the vegetable oil, tahini, peanut butter, soy sauce, sherry, sherry vinegar, honey, chili oil, sesame oil, and ground peppers. Puree the sauce.

Add splash of oil to a large pot of boiling salted water and cook the spaghetti al dente. Drain the pasta in a colander, place it in a large bowl, and while still warm, toss with three-quarters of the sauce. Add the red and yellow bell peppers and scallions; toss well. Serve warm or at room temperature. The remaining sauce may be added, as needed, to moisten the pasta.

Don’t combine the sauce with the pasta until the last minute; the soy sauce tends to break down the noodles and make them mushy.

Elise got home from work earlier than we both had expected. We went over to John and Christine’s so that John and I could run wires for the outside speakers.

After a couple hours of intense design, engineering and manual labor, we found that we needed to run the source (John’s iPod) through an amplifier (the head unit of his home stereo – conveniently located on the other side of the house). Since we didn’t have enough RCA and speaker wire, we decided to eat. I’m not sure if this project will be completed. I guess I’ll have to wait to hear from John.

Elise and I saw 28 Days Later on Sunday. Not at all what I was expecting. It’s okay. I’d suggest you wait 12 x 28 Days for it to come out on DVD. I guess Freddy vs. Jason will be the scary movie this year.

I bought an Atari 2600 on eBay the weekend before last. I’m yet to swing by Radio Shack to purchase an RCA to coax adapter. After that, it’s all about the Space Invaders.

Elise called Time Warner today. We’re downgrading to the lowest level of cabledom one can have. We’re doing this because we can’t completely get rid of cable without buying some sort of amplified amateur radio operator antenna to hang out of our patio door in order to get local channels. We have to pay $12/month to watch any form of broadcast television. Anyway… I’m going to miss the Food Network and American Chopper.

It’s early Saturday evening. My catering manager wife is at work. Elise is ‘working’ a thirty year high school reunion downtown. She just called me from the kitchen to give me the scoop on her first day. I can tell she’s really excited. She was listing all of the things she wants to change, add and improve upon. She told me she’s nervous that got herself into something big. That’s a good thing though. I’m bored and lonely.

In other news… I had to perform minor surgery on my computer today. I was downloading some live bootlegged recordings from an independent artist so I could listen to only a portion of the song to verify my liking and immediately rush to the record store and plunk down $20 for the entire album (scroll down to read the comments). For some reason, I decided to try out a new p2p client. Do not download Grokster. If you do, don’t contact me to ask how to remove all of the spyware that comes with said software.

Harold and I went to the circus last night. We left during the intermission. We were both greatly disappointed. It’s not really even worth going into detail. I will admit that it was a feast for the eyes. There was so much going in the center of the Erwin Center that you could easily find something at which to stare blankly.

I’d venture to say that the highlights were: T.M. the Gator Guy near-abusively man handling obviously sedated alligators. A trail of elephants moping around the arena, every last one of their inner monologues being “Please, would someone just shoot us all now.” And horses with equal amounts of unbearable fear and lethargy in their eyes. It was sad.

I don’t like the circus. I semi poked fun at PETA (and they were there – they even handed a flier to Harold) but I think I have to take their side. I’d much rather watch an elephant grazing in the Serengeti on the Discover Channel than watch them being herded in person.

\It is a great day for the two most important women in my life.

1) Today is my Mom’s birthday. Happy Birthday Mom!!!

2) Elise was offered the Catering Manager position at El Arroyo. Congrats babe. I’m thinking about quitting my job and working on my gut while catching up on daytime talkshows. (I’m kidding Mr. Caldwell)

I’m taking Harold to the circus tonight. It’s being held at the Frank Erwin Center here in Austin. I haven’t been to the circus in something like twenty years. All I can remember is that I was a little dude.

I stood in the box office line yesterday with my vouchers. As I waited, I began to wonder if there will be any radical animal rights activists protesting the circus. I’m thinking we might see a bunch of PETA people. I think Harold would find that people made up of pillowy flatbread are interesting.

Being cognizant of our dining out expenditures lately, Elise and I treated ourselves on Friday night and had dinner at El Arroyo. Well, when you’re friends with the new general manager, I guess we didn’t really treat ourselves…

Elise had barbecue chicken tacos, I had a chicken fajita Caesar salad and we had three top shelf margaritas between the two of us. The best part of the meal was when Bill told us that there will be an opening for the Catering Manager position in the coming weeks. Elise and I are both really excited about that. Hopefully Elise will be able to get that job.

We went home after dinner and watched Detroit Rock City and Spinal Tap (one lead to the other).

We woke up early on Saturday. I took the top down on the Jeep, we drove downtown and perused the Austin Farmers’ Market. We didn’t buy anything, we just looked. All of the vegetables and flowers that were being sold looked nice though.

After a few planning setbacks, Tommy and Shannon came over and we all hopped in the Jeep and went to Lake Travis. We rented a ski boat for three hours. We didn’t do any skiing, but I did jump a wake that caused the boat to come crashing down into the water, almost giving my wife a concussion and a sprained ankle. That wasn’t very fun. Well, it was, up until the point at which Elise was hurt. Luckily Elise shook off her pain and we drove around the lake and stopped for an hour or so to swim.

On our way back to the marina, another boat waved us down. Two guys had run out of gas in the middle of the lake. They spoke of wonderful gifts in prizes we would receive in return for towing them. We towed them to the nearest marina. No gifts or prizes, just an “Oh, we left our wallets in the truck.” I gave them my business card and claimed that “If I do not receive a large cash sum from you within ten days, next time I will ransack your vessel and seize all your treasures. Aaaaaargh!”

I didn’t say anything to them. I decided to leave it up to Karma.

Having been worn out by the sun and since Elise’s husband-inflicted-ankle-sprain didn’t allow her to walk, we decided to go home and take it easy instead of going to Tommy’s to watch the Lewis vs. Klitschko fight. We didn’t feel like cooking so I ordered a large Downtown favorite from Austin’s Pizza. Man, that’s some good pizza. Man, that’s some good pizza. Is there an echo here? No, I just thought I’d say that twice.

Elise and I went to the grocery store on Sunday. We spent a lot of money and our refrigerator still looks empty.

We went over to Bill and Andrea’s for dinner. I made chicken fajitas, marinated with the Penzey’s fajita seasoning that Joanne gave me. The fajitas turned out really good. I’m always a little hesitant about using “seasoning”. I used to have a real problem with the stuff back in the 80’s. I had a pretty bad usage issue. It’s an addiction. Before you know it, your hiding from your loved ones, sprinkling seasoning on all sorts of foods. Taco Seasoning, Steak Seasoning, Poultry Seasoning, Seafood Seasoning, Italian Seasoning. This list goes on and on. I used to blare Duran Duran’s Hungry Like the Wolf at all hours of the night on my Hi-Fi, just seasoning. It was the song that brought me and my seasoning to a spiritual plateau. My parents stepped in and there was an intervention. I spent days in a detoxification facility and had to take seasoning methadone for weeks just to curb the hunger. It was a long, bumpy road. I made it though. I’m fine now. I can season fajitas responsibly now. Just a dab. No need to go all out. I know when to stop. I’m strong. I’m hungry.

I also made a chipotle salsa that’s pretty wicked. Elise and I really like chipotles. Elise made some guacamole that tasted really good – even after having just been made. I’ll bet it’ll taste even better today after the flavors have had time to marry. Same with the salsa.

I was just out on the patio, thinking. I was thinking about our finances and how we really want a house. We’re saving as much as we can. We also need new tires for the Jeep. We’re also going to have to pay more in taxes next year. And then I realized something: eBay, Google and TiVo sound like they would be the names of small woodland bipeds who starred in Return of the Jedi.

I’m glad I got that figured out.

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch… it hurts to type.

I started Tae Kwon Do last night. I hyper extended both elbows and my butt hurts. Badly. My arms hurt because I haven’t really done anything strenuous involving my upper body in nearly a decade. My butt hurts because I played Blazer Lazer Tag on Wednesday. When you have to bend your legs to shrink yourself to five feet (average size of pre-pubescent male competition) while dodging invisible beams of light, you find that you have muscles you’ve never known of.

Anyway, my first class back in TKD – It was great. It was riveting. Invigorating. An action packed adventure so chock full of action that you won’t need to see another action packed adventure this entire action packed summer. But really – it was a lot of fun. I felt great after class. Stretching was a little difficult. I really think I would be a lot worse had I not been riding seven miles a day on my bicycle.

After warming up, we did some kicking and punching drills. I haven’t really forgotten anything, I’m just a little rusty. In need of a little honing. After drills, we worked on patterns. Clyde (my instructor) taught me approximately the first half of Ge-Baek (again). Ge-Baek is traditional black belt pattern (sequential combination of strikes and blocks). I was surprised at how quickly I remembered the moves.

After everyone worked on patterns, we sparred. I sparred Clyde first. Clyde is a second degree black belt. I’m a first degree black belt who’s been out of practice for almost nine years. I did quite well. I still have it in me. I still have my rhythm. I’m not as limber or as quick as I once was, but that will come with time. Grasshopper.

I sparred the other three students that were in class. I had a handicap. My pants kept coming down. Nine years will take its toll on a pair of elastic waist Tae Kwon Do pants. Crouching Tiger Dropping Trou. I bought a new uniform after class.

안녕히 가세요. (That reads “Good Bye”)