Month: September 2024

Dad died 18 years ago today. Eighteen years is a lifetime. A journey into adulthood. There has not been a single day in these past 18 years that I haven’t thought about him.

I know I disappointed him a lot when I was a young man. It’s taken me 18 years to learn that he knew it was a part of my growing up and figuring out this life. He pulled me out of the proverbial ditch more times than he probably should have. He let me sit in the ditch too, when he knew I needed to sit in the ditch.

I still miss him as much as the day he left us. I still wish I could see him or call him and ask him the questions that could help me navigate life and fatherhood.

“Your dad has given you everything that you will ever need. Now God needs him.” That’s what my counselor told me when I yelled at her because I was angry at God for taking my dad too soon.

Very often I look up to the stars in the early morning and I can sense him with me. I try very hard and as best as I can. I like to think that he’s proud of me.

His oldest granddaughter is 18 years old now. He got to know her for her first five months of life. He never got to meet Mara. He’d love the hell out of her. He’d love being around them both and watching them grow, just like I do.

Eighteen years is a lifetime. It’s a long time, but it’s also just a wink from a star in the sky.

I’m totally overdue in posting about last weekend. I thought I’d start posting little galleries of the goings on of the previous week and weekend because I’m noticing that memory has turned to absolute garbage. And sometimes I like to read old posts to see what we were up to at certain times in our lives, whether those times were of any consequence or not.

Last Friday we went to the Westlake v. Atascocita football game. Maly’s boyfriend, Jared, is starting left offensive guard, we’ve made friends with his dad, siblings, aunt, and uncle, and, well Westlake football is on a whole other level of high school football. While it was a great game, Westlake lost 39-21, breaking its 44 regular season home game winning streak.

Saturday morning was the regular big group run for the Circle C Run Club. I don’t know what our streak is, but we’ve all been running together at 7:00 a.m. on Saturday mornings since 2018. Elise and I dropped the Jeep off at Firestone because its had some faulty fuel injector wiring. After dropping off the Jeep, we hopped over to Goodwill to get rid of some clothes and for some thrifting.

Maly went on a roadtrip to Roanoke Virginia with some friends from school. The northeast is funny. You can just take a two hour roadtrip for a weekend in another state.

Sunday was my first 20-miler in this training block for the NYC Marathon. I’ve never run the NYC Marathon before, but I know it has some hills, so I planned a route in the Northwest Hills of Austin. The run was great. I mean, running 20 miles involves a certain level of suck, but when you now what you’re getting yourself into, you just sort of learn how to deal with the suck.

I’ve been struggling again this week with Maly being so far away at college. I think what did it was when we talked to her over FaceTime on Sunday evening. All week I get excited and can’t wait to talk to her and tell her all the things that I want to tell her. And then on Sunday’s FaceTime call all I wanted to do is stare at and dote on her, just like when she was a little child.

It doesn’t help that we’ve had a little “false Fall” for the past four days. It’s been in the 50’s in the morning and the humidity is almost non-existent. It feels like Fall. We’ll get another heat wave this week, but the change in temperature and daylight hours have become noticeable.

I walked Mara to school this morning. So far this week I’ve taken the “long way” home. It’s a half mile walk to school. I take a detour on the way back to the house that makes the walk back a mile. It’s been nice outside in the mornings. I’d much rather be walking than sitting at a desk.

I was walking through our little section of the neighborhood. Up off Allerton, on Colberg, on Gaur. I just started thinking about all the times we’ve walked those streets on Halloween night. All the miles we’ve probably put on those streets and sidewalks with Ray, Julia, Nico, Eve, Ava, Emma, Elsa, Kellen, and kids I might’ve forgotten.

I walked by Maly’s old friend Avery’s old house. I’d dropped Maly off at Avery’s house many times. They used to be best friends in middle school. I don’t really know what happened with that relationship. Avery’s parents got divorced, and Avery and her mom eventually moved away. I guess it was a proximity thing. And making new friends. And, just moving on.

It’s amazing how a chapter just closes in a child’s life. And I guess that same chapter closes in your life. But you’re not the one who’s reading or writing the chapter. You’re just a listener. An observer.

I find myself longing for those past times. I have regrets that I didn’t really take in those little moments. Like all of the miles and hours covered and spent on Halloween nights. I was being an obliging parent. I wish I would’ve been a more in-tune listener and observer. I wish I would’ve been more present in those minutes instead of whatever else I was thinking about or doing. Like concerning myself with the immediate future, or anxiously awaiting for this inconvenient phase of childrearing to pass.

I wish I would’ve been more trusting and appreciative of my children’s friends. I wish I would’ve known to see them as the important parts that they played, and hopefully still play, in my girls’ lives and vice versa.

But what I really wish is that I had a better memory. I swear the last 18 years have flown by. Elise has a better memory than me, and I like to hear her recount stories of times with our kids with greater detail. I have photos but I often wish I had more photos.

I think I’ll keep taking the long way home every morning and hopefully I can unearth some of those old photos in my head while at the same time reminding myself to be very present in the moment.