Month: August 2024

It’s hard to believe that three days have already passed since we saw Maly. We said our goodbyes on Saturday night and we had to be up at 4:00 a.m. the next morning to catch our early flight back to Austin. We had a full Sunday back at home. Monday was our last official day of Summer break with Mara. Elise and I both took the day off of work. Elise and Mara went shopping for school clothes. I don’t remember Monday. I’ve been in a fog.

Mara started school on Tuesday.

Monday night was hard because it was the end of summer. Mara really got the ass end of summer this year. Elise started her new job back in October which requires her to be at the office during the day. I started my new job in June which requires me to be camped out and unavailable during the day. And because of new jobs we weren’t able to travel or do much of any noteworthy weekday daytime activities. Poor Mara was pretty much just camped out in her room all summer. And as a parent, well, that just makes you feel like crap.

Elise went back to work on Tuesday.

I’d barely been at my job for 6 weeks and had no vacation time, so our travels to Charleston for orientation and moving Maly to school were unpaid. As I as planning my my time off for Maly’s move-in, I decided to take Tuesday off as well. I already wasn’t getting paid for a whole week, so I figured one more day wouldn’t add much to the damage. I voluntarily shared our itinerary with my boss, and told her that I wanted to also take Tuesday off for a “mental health day.” I told her I’d probably just hang out by myself in the house all day and cry. I will say that I really like my boss. I have since day one. She totally understood and made no bones about me taking all the time that I needed.

I decided to make Tuesday a good day. We got Mara off to school. She woke up early. She was a little bummed and apprehensive, but also a little excited about starting 7th grade. Elise and I both walked her up the hill to school and it was like back to normal again. After hugs and kisses and goodbyes, Mara was off to start her new school year. Elise and I walked back home together. She had to rush off and get to work.

And then I was by myself. Just as I’d imagined and planned. I was going to commence my good day. I already had most of my day planned…

I went for my scheduled run. I went out later than I would’ve normally liked, but that was okay. I was able to catch up on some sleep. I didn’t feel rushed on Mara’s first day of school. And I had the day off, so I was in no hurry. It was a hard 40 minute tempo run that I didn’t start until 9:00 a.m. I was already pouring sweat halfway into my warm-up. I focused on being in the moment – in that run – and reminded myself that while it hasn’t been in the forefront, I do have the NYC Marathon coming up in a few months and I have a specific goal time that I’m training for.

The rest of day was going to be relegated to posting Mara’s first day of 7th grade photos, and then I was really excited to just kick back and scroll through everyone else’s first day of school photos on Facebook. Then I’d eat. Maybe take a nap. Maybe read. Maybe watch a movie.

I got through posting Mara’s first day of school photo and loving every first day of school photo that I could find on Facebook. And then I started scrolling through 18 years of photos in my Google Photos library and started sobbing. It was healthy sobbing, but it got to the point where it was starting to become draining. So I moved about the house. But everywhere I turned there are pieces and reminders of Maly. I kept crying. I went through a few fits of those chest-heaving sobs. Once when I was just standing in front of the sink in the kitchen. The dog even raised her head as she lay on the carpet in the living room because she knew something was wrong.

I decided to really punish myself and took my laptop into Maly’s room and I sat at her desk and watched old videos of her. And then I went into my closet and pulled out the plastic bin of old cards — birthday, Father’s Day, Christmas cards. I went through a few handfuls of those and tried to recount their presentation, probably at the kitchen table.

My relaxing afternoon turned into a flood of emotions and sorrow and missing Maly. I thought about calling her, just to hear her voice, but I didn’t want to be selfish and subject her to a babbling and crying dad.

I don’t know if it was the right thing to do, but I wrote her an email. I thought about texting her but I have a tendency to be long with written words. So I figured an email would work. I guess I just needed to let it out. I just wanted her to know that I love and miss her and that this is arguably one of the hardest bouts of emotions that I’ve ever had to contend with.

I told her about how so badly I wanted to just fly up to Charleston, scoop her up, and bring her back home to live with us forever. But I also told her how selfish that would be, and unfair to the both of us.

I don’t remember everything that I wrote, and it would probably be a long time before I went back and read that email, if ever. I just really wanted her to know that I love her and miss her. I feel like I can never say “I love you” enough. And I worry that I didn’t say it often enough when she was still just in the other room. Or when she was just down the street at work. Or at school. Or driving around with her friends.

This photo is of the blister in the center of my palm that is healing. It’s a blister that I earned from driving screws through a 1-inch common board and into Maly’s dorm room headboard with a screwdriver. I had to fabricate legs for her headboard so they could attach to her bed frame. I had limited tools available to me, so a bit of pressure was required to drive screws into the headboard. The blister hurt at the time, and was in an inconvenient location. But it’s a physical reminder, albeit a small one, of what I’ll do for my child. In a way, I wish it would never heal. I wish it would leave a scar.

This was our final day. The day that we’d say goodbye to Maly.

Maly stayed in her dorm the night before. Her choice to stay felt like a jab to the heart, but it was the right choice. She even said, “I might as well start getting used to it.” I figured it’d be best to be with Jazz, other teammates, and new friends in the dorm so when it did come time to go our separate ways, she’d have an established support system and distractions.

She had orientation and other information sessions all afternoon, so we picked her up and went for brunch at First Watch. Maly had orientation at 1:30, so it was straight back to the dorm where we hung out for some minutes before she and Jazz needed to leave.

Elise, Mara and I checked into our hotel as we were only able to stay in our rental though Saturday. Mara and I stayed in while Elise went out for to pick up some more college freshman necessities for Maly.

The plan was to say our goodbyes on Saturday night as we had a 6:00 a.m. flight home on Sunday. Maly had dinner at school with some of her teammates. She texted us at 6:00 p.m. and said we could come over whenever we were ready. We hadn’t eaten yet and I invited Maly to come with us. She wanted to go to Target with some friends, so I told her to do that while Elise, Mara and I went to dinner.

The girls and I had a pizza dinner at Lola’s at sunset and as a rainbow appeared in the south. Dinner was quiet. We talked about the benefits of catching an early flight in the morning, crossing a time zone, and still having a full day when we got back to Austin. We talked about how it will be different without Maly being there. We talked about the bit of scrambling we’ll have to do before Mara starts school on Tuesday.

As we drove to Maly’s dorm we established a 10:30 p.m. curfew. We had to wake up at 4-something in the morning, and we’ve learned that if you don’t set a hard cutoff for the goodbye, it can drag on and become even more painful than it needs to be.

We hung out in Maly’s room with her, Jazz, and Mackenzie. Maly had already settled in. She had a few friends drop by to say hi. She was already in the process of doing laundry. We told Maly of our 10:30 curfew. We decided to go out to the parking lot.

Elise had put together a series of care packages for certain occassions. Things like “open now” and “open when you need a hug” and “open when it’s Halloween season” and “open on your first day of class.” Mara and I wrote cards for her.

We gave her our gifts at the back of our rental van in the parking lot across the street from her dorm. It was a quiet night. Except for the fireworks in the distance. We couldn’t figure out where they were coming from, but it was a full-on fireworks show. We said our goodbyes and good lucks, and imparted final words of encouragement and wisdom.

For me personally, in the weeks and days prior to this moment, I’d come to terms with the notion that I was going to lose it. I surprised myself by miraculously maintaining my composure. I cried. There was sorrow. But I was also happy. The pride overcame the sorrow. I stood there and was proud of and happy for my daughter.

We all cried. Mara cried and that was the hardest to witness. She was having to say goodbye to her hero. Seeing the two of them hug and hold each other broke my heart.

We said our final goodbyes and I love you’s. And that was it. Maly told us she wasn’t going to watch us drive off. We all knew why. The three of us stood there in the parking lot and watched her as she walked back to her dorm.

And that was it. We left her there. The three of us drove back to our hotel and we left our Maly there.

She’ll do great. We’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. I miss her so damn much though.

Every day gets us closer to the inevitable. I woke up early and ran a couple loops through South Hills. There were school kids at a few corners, waiting for their buses. On my second loop on Myrtle a little girl said, “Hey! I saw you ten minutes ago!”

“I saw YOU ten minutes ago. Why aren’t you at school yet?”

“I guess my bus is late.”

I looked to my left and saw her parents smiling at our brief interaction. I kept running and sort of smiled as I thought to myself, “one day they might be taking her far, far away off to college.”

It was grey and drizzling out. The perfect setting for move-in day. I got back to our rental house and showered. Our check-in time for move-in was 11:20. We were running late. We drove over to Piggly Wiggly to grab something to eat. Maly hadn’t yet been to a Piggly Wiggly in Charleston. “No dawdling” was our orders. My made a quick pass through the store and opted for a 4-pack of lemon poppyseed muffins, a carton of blackberries and a carton of strawberries.

We got to campus at around 11:00 a.m. and had to check-in. Maly had to check-in with the athletics department and confirm her physical at 9:30 a.m. on Sunday. We had to check-in with the Student Services and Financial Aid offices. All the boxes had been checked except for the tuition balance box. I had a healthy “negotiation” with the billing manager. I was previously misinformed and had expected to pay tuition in early September. They wanted money today. We walked out of the billing office with everything smoothed over.

We drove over to Maly’s new dorm and everyone grabbed two armloads of her stuff. I went up to her room and found her roommate, Jazz, and mom, Bridget, already there, rearranging furniture. The girls were behind me shortly after. I left it to the girls to decide where furniture would land and who slept where. I went back downstairs to start hauling in the loads. The football team was there to help freshman move in. I came back upstairs with five of my newest Division II college football player friends who were also carrying all of my daughter’s bags, appliances, and other personal effects.

The following six hours were kind of a blur. There was a lot of going up and down three flights of stairs. We put together cubbies and carts and drawers. We unboxed things. I moved more boxes and bags of trash than I can remember.

At 3:00 p.m. Tim and I made a trip to Home Depot to buy 1×3″ strips of common board so we could fabricate mounts for Maly’s bed’s headboard. We only had a screwdriver and a hammer, so now I have the blister on the center of my palm to prove that elbow grease is still a way to get things done.

There was a lot more moving, shuffling, assembling, reshuffling, unboxing, unpacking, putting things away, and organizing until we called it at 6:30 and went to the dining hall for dinner with Jazz and Bridget. It was “Fiesta Night.” Lyle Lovett says, “never eat Mexican food east of the Mississippi or north of Dallas.” Dinner was fine, but I have a feeling that Maly is going to miss some very certain foods in the not-too-distant future.

We went back to the dorm and there was more shuffling and assembling and putting things away. Maly was organizing her stuff in the bathroom and I figured that was as good a time as any to say my few parting things her. It wasn’t the scene that I would’ve scripted or imagined but, again, life isn’t scripted. I told her I wanted to tell her a few things so I pulled out my phone and opened my short bullet list. And that’s when the frog jumped into my throat and I valiantly tried, and failed, to fight back the tears. I don’t know if she retained much of what I said because I can be a quiet and bumbling emotional wreck when I get to that point. But I said most of what I thought was important, and what I needed for her to know as she starts this new college life on her own. And I don’t think anything that I imparted of the philosophical nature was anything that she didn’t already know and heed in her present young adult life.

She and I found ourselves sitting on the floor, just outside of the door to her dorm room. There’s a little placard hanging on the wall just across from her room that is a tribute to the Hesse family, who donated to the university and funds were used to construct the dormitory in which she’ll reside for the next two semesters. I told her that my high school girlfriend’s last name was Hesse. I told her about how my girlfriend was a year older than me, and moved away to college when I was starting my senior year. And like most that I would assume, the relationship didn’t last. At the time we both wanted it to, but I messed that up and fate and luck and whatever else had other plans. That story that I told her as we were sitting side-by-side on the dirty floor took longer than I’d set out. But it was fun to recount that time of my life. And Maly listened. And because of that fate and luck and whatever else, it came out to be the story of how I’d met Maly’s mother. And because of that luck, and many years later, now I was sitting there with my daughter, late at night on the day that we moved her into her dorm room at college.

Maly decided to rip off the band-aid and stay in her dorm, even though we still our rental house for the family. It was hard leaving her there, but we left it to her to decide, and I think it was the right decision.

We all slept in. My eyes were the first to pop open at 7:00 a.m. I’m in the throes of training for the NYC Marathon, so I needed to get some miles in. I got dressed and snuck out for a run. I hit a route that I was somewhat familiar with, which included the Carriage Trail and some of downtown Charleston. I got back to our rental house, showered, and sat on the back patio with my laptop, listened to the sad songs that a dad listens to when he’s soon going to be leaving his firstborn daughter 1,300 miles away for college. I also jotted down some things that I need to talk to her about at some point before we say our goodbyes.

It’s so hard to write those notes. They weren’t as profound as I’d wanted them to be. But they are some things that I need to tell her. I had to remind myself that I’ll still be able to talk to her, so if there’s ever any advice, wisdom, or cheesy dad jokes that need imparting, I’ll still be able to do that. Maybe they won’t be able to occur in person, but that’s okay. I’ve learned that life is rarely scripted.

Elise had to work. We didn’t get out of the house until almost 2:00 p.m. We’d yet to go to a grocery store so our in-house sustenance consisted of a couple bananas, a peach, and whatever painfully sour candies the girls had procured at Buc-ee’s during our travels. We were all hangry at this point. Elise and Maly were at one of those mother-daughter stressed-out impasses regarding the logistics and economics of maximizing a 20% school supply discount at Target.

We tried to go to the local pizza joint in South Hills but they’d already closed for the lunch serving. We decided to drive over to the Southridge shopping area so we’d be in proximity of Target and other big box stores and find something to eat. Statistics have proven that four hangry people can’t decide on where to eat, so we went to Taco Bell.

Then we spent a few hours and a few hundred dollars between Target and Hobby Lobby. Ordinarily I’d be opinionated and crotchety about Hobby Lobby already having Christmas decorations out in mid-August, but on this occasion I found it very comforting. Mara and I found ourselves separated together and we got ourselves caught up in figuring out what kinds of candies we wanted to make for Christmas this year while trying to remember the flavors of taffy we’d made last year. We got excited about the idea of also making chocolates. And we took turns smelling the fall-scented candles. Scents like “Crimson Leaves” and “Buttery Pumpkin” and “Spiced Cider.”

We drove back to our rental house to get some rest. Everyone went to their respective places in the house. The next thing I remember, I was waking up on the couch and hour and a half later and my mouth was dried open. I had enough time to get up, put my shoes on, shake my brain back to consciousness and then we piled into the rental van to go meet the other families for dinner at Olive Garden. The girls decided on Olive Garden because we were a big party and we all wanted to be able to sit together.

Anika and Caitlyn are sophomore transfers and roomates. Maly and Jazz are incoming freshman roommates. All four girls are on the lacrosse team. Anika is from Rochester. The other three girls are Texans. Anika belongs to Dave and Liz. Caitlyn belongs to Tim. Jazz belongs to Bridget. We’ve all known each other through previous lacrosse games and tournaments or from orientation weekend three weeks ago. We’ve all become fast friends.

Dinner was fun and nice. It’s good to have Dave and Tim. This isn’t their first rodeo, so they’ve helped in providing me with some girl dad advice, confidence, and reassurance.

We got home late. Elise did a few loads of laundry. Maly and I sat at the dining room table and did our respective things on our respective laptops. I don’t remember what I was doing. Maly was already doing college stuff. She was in her zone; like she was already on her own, taking care of things that need to be taken care of.

Elise, Mara and I found ourselves in the basement, playing foosball on the table with two missing rods. We made it work though.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was just Elise, Mara, and me down there playing together. And I guess that’s how it’s going to be for a while. There was a lot of laughing, and that was reassuring.

Day 2 started in Memphis. Hotel breakfast of eggs and sausage from chafing dishes, and make-your-own waffles.

We hit the road around 9:00 a.m. and contended with some decent rain for the first hour, and more contending with the semis. The damn semis. One in the right lane is going 58 miles per hour. The one behind it decides to pass at 59 miles per hour. It’s an exercise in waiting on semis to pass each other to clear the left lane.

We made it to Nashville at 12:30 p.m. We drove through the Bellmont University and Vanderbilt campuses, a quick bite at Hattie B’s Hot Chicken, and then Elise, Mara and I did a quick tour of the perimeter of the Parthenon. At that point the girls were tapped out, so Elise and I had to stop and check out the outside of Tennessee’s capitol building. Then we had to go see the Grand Old Opry. I’d say not much of tourist spot unless you’re actually going to the Grand Old Opry. One last stop at the local used sports outfitter to get an extra lacrosse stick for Maly.

Then we were off again. North on 65 up into Kentucky through Bowling Green and a stop at Buc-ee’s in Smiths Grove because the kids have to stop anytime there’s a Buc-ee’s. The landscape wasn’t much unlike all of Arkansas and most of Tennessee until we hooked it east onto the Bluegrass Parkway in Elizabethtown. I’ve now been through the majority of the states in our nation and Kentucky has the most beautiful farm and ranch lands in my opinion. Rolling hills, that Kentucky bluegrass, huge horse ranches with beautiful homes, acreage, and fences. We made it to Lexington at dusk and stopped to get gas and Elise and I traded off piloting. Then it was mostly dark, quiet and fast highway miles through eastern Kentucky and into West Virginia. We could barely make out the silhouettes of the Appalachian range.

We didn’t get to Charleston until around 11:00 p.m. and it was quick to bed for everyone. I think Elise and I were a little too road weary to have our emotions from having made it to our final destination take their toll.

We made it though. Relatively uneventful and unscathed by the road. I neglected to look at the tripometer when we got out of our rental van. I think we hit 1,350 miles with 24 hours of driving time. That included a few hours and quite some miles in Nashville.

We’re in Memphis. The goal was Nashville, but we didn’t leave the house until after noon yesterday. No one was in a hurry. We were all avoiding the inevitable.

We’re on the roadtrip, a rental van packed to the gils, to take Maly to Charleston West Virginia to start college. Texas, Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, West Virginia. School starts on August 19th. Our plan was always to leave on August 13th. I’ve been dreading August 13th as much as my own death. Two days to make the drive. We’d arrive on Wednesday. We’d have Thursday to ourselves to do whatever we wanted to do. Probably shop for things Maly might need or want for school. Friday is the day we move her into her dorm room.

Our flight home is very early on Sunday morning. She begins her college career at 9:00 a.m. on Monday morning. We’ll hug and kiss her and wish her all the best on Saturday night. It’s a parent’s nightmare that I guess had always been a dark spot in my brain since I became a parent, but never formulated a plan of how I would deal with it. I still don’t have a plan. I know there will be tears. A lot of them. There have already been a lot of them. There are right now as I write this.

We were rushed but in no hurry Tuesday morning. Maly’s friends Hanna and Lydia came over early Tuesday to say their goodbyes. Hanna came over to say goodbye again. I’d gone for a run early. I had my share moments getting choked up. I kept running. It kept my mind on task. I got home and decided to water the lawn one last time before we’d be gone for a week. I was drenched in sweat and figured I’d take care of the yard before getting showered and cleaned up to start our road trip. I remember the flood of thoughts. The one that made 80 million daggers drive through my heart was this was the last morning my baby is going to wake up in her bed in this house. In the room that’s been hers since we brought her home from the hospital 6,573 days ago. I threw the water house down and the tears and ugly cried ensued. I quietly stormed into the house at 7 a.m. and went straight to Maly’s room. I silently pushed open her door, leaned against her closet wall and watched her sleep. Like I’d done a thousand times before, especially when she was a baby.

The memories flooded.

It was a tough morning. We were all up and about, going about our separate agendas to get ready. Elise was packing her things, Maly’s college things, and handling the logistics of our friend taking care of our animals, and pretty much all of the other home and family things. I cleaned. And hid and cried between my self-assigned cleaning duties.

I spent some time lying in bed with her and we talked. I recounted the stories of when she learned to ride a scooter. And how we used to go get the mail together every day. When she learned to ride her bike. All the miles we put on the sidewalk racing Plasma Cars down our street. I rendered advice on staying on top of her responsibilities as school. Chipping away and not letting things pile up or getting behind. And making sure she talked to her professors. All things she already knows and has been successful in doing. As I think back on it now, I wasn’t really giving her advice, but admiring and acknowledging how well she’s done in her young adult life already. Reminding her that she’s on the right path.

I measured her one last time in the garage. The same spot on the piece of baseboard that I screwed into the garage wall when she was 3-years-old. Back and heels against the the board. I drew the line. She and I looked at it and she found it baffling how much she’d grown since she started middle school. I put my hand with the pencil in it on top of her head and marked the spot. I used the t-square to draw the straight line. The same way I’ve done it for 15 years. I marked it with “8/13/24.” This day I’ve been dreading.

The inevitable finally came around noon and we found ourselves taking the last of the things that were coming with us out to the rental van that was parked facing the street on our driveway. I stood in the dining room and watched as Maly said goodbye to Blue in the office. That’s when I saw and heard that she was crying. It was hard. So damn hard. That scene is etched into my mind now. Selfishly I’m happy that I have that memory etched into my mind. It’s from a scene in the office where I spend most of my daylight hours during the work week. Right behind my office chair, and right where Blue rests where she spends most of her daylight hours during the work week.

The first day of the road trip was relatively uneventful. I-35 to south of Dallas. 20 up to 30, over Lake Ray Hubbard and east onward through Sulphur Springs, Mt. Pleasant, and then Texarkana. All of 30 through Arkansas was mostly a blur other than the semis and change in landscape. The tall pine trees. I love the tall pine trees.

We stopped in Little Rock for dinner at Flyway Brewing. We shared two baked pretzels, the Flyway pickle plate, and gumbo cheese fries. Elise had a beer. The girls and I had the root beer that they make in-house.

Two more hours on the road and we made it into Memphis. We checked in to the Country Inn & Suites and it reminded me of all of the hotels at which we’d stay for lacrosse tournaments. More memories. Things of the past that I probably should’ve reveled more in when they were happening.

The memory that I’ll always cherish though, and I’m so glad I put my book down and reveled in this one. Elise and me in our bed. The girls in theirs next to us. Elise had the TV off and told the girls put their phones away. Mara turned on her phone’s flashlight and started making shadow puppets on the ceiling. I turned on my watch’s flashlight and joined in the shadow puppet show. We were horrible with our shadow puppets, but we all took our turns.

Our shadow puppet show probably lasted only 15 minutes, but those were 15 damn good minutes. To have all of us be together. To hear all of my girls laughing. As much as my heart is breaking, my heart is so full.