Janicek.com

If you have to watch EmptyV this Labor Day weekend, you’ll be forced to watch reruns of the 2003 Video Music Awards. That’s an oxymoron because EmptyV doesn’t play music videos. Anyway – If you have to, watch the first ten minutes and the last ten minutes… The other three hours are pointless. Britney. Madonna. Metallica.

I have a confession. I watched the entire first season of The Bachelor with my wife. The reason I’m remembering this now is due mainly to the bizarre microwaves that Mars is currently emitting.

On one particular episode, the bachelor presented one of the potential brides (P.B.) with a certificate stating that one of the stars in the vast universe had been named after the P.B.’s deceased sister. Or something like that.

Josh’s internal monologue: “Damn, why didn’t I think of that?!”

I consider myself quite the romantic and I’d bet dryer lint that my wife would too. I really wished that I had thought of something like naming a star after my wife. I couldn’t do that though because Elise was sitting on the couch next to me. She’d know where I got the idea. It wouldn’t be original.

I did a little research and finally found something a million times more romantic. I went to Nasa.gov and had Elise’s name put onto a disk that will be included in one of the next Mars Exploration Rover-2003 missions that will explore the planet’s surface in search of geologic evidence of water in Mars’ past.

Elise and I are going to view Mars at the Robert Lee Moore Hall on the U.T. campus tonight. I’m really thinking about borrowing a helicopter and cruising over to Mars (it’s REALLY close to Earth right now) and getting Elise’s name out of that database. I don’t know if the National Do Not Call Registry applies to marketers from Mars who are eagerly pushing for sales of their Doophropal Gaxiplues.

Due to a short stint in a decompression chamber, I have found it hard to contribute to my site as of late. Last week was Shark Week on the Discover Channel and, well, it’s been rough.

The short of it: Last Saturday I picked up our new Canon PowerShot S400. I sold a load of stuff on eBay so we could buy it. It’s the coolest toy I’ve had since my solar powered flash light. That night we went to our friend, Evelyn’s 30th birthday party. We had a great time. I was able to catch up with some of my old buddies from Vidbook and was able to sample Bob’s (Evelyn’s boyfriend) cooking. The food and company was great.

John and I built a candelabra on Sunday. That was a lot of fun. We took swim breaks in the pool in between trips to Garden Ridge and Home Depot. I’m really thinking about making a go of a weekend business building hand-made candelabras.

I worked like a madman all day last week. I would get to work, look at the clock and 9 hours had already passed. Elise, Harold, Tony (Harold’s friend and neighbor) and yours truly saw Freddy Vs. Jason on Monday. We all liked it a lot. Elise went to Tae Kwon Do with me on Wednesday. She talked to Della (Children’s TKD instructor and our realtor) the whole time.

John and Christine threw a party for their friend, Erin at their house. The party was a lot of fun. Elise catered. Everyone enjoyed the food. A lot of people complimented John’s and my candelabra craftsmanship…

Elise had to work on Saturday so I went back over to John’s to hang out in the pool. He and Christine left early in the afternoon to pick Christine’s car from being serviced. Before they left, I told John to pick up candelabra supplies on the way home. He did. We’re in the middle of our second project.

Josh: You know what?
Readers: What’s that, Josh?
Josh: I have a pretty cool Dad.
Readers: Why do you say that?
Josh: Not every guy can say that his father shot someone…

You see, about 9 years ago, while yours truly was away at college, my Dad shot a man for trying to steal a lawn chair. A guy drove his pick up truck out to my parents house which is nestled in the country. He rang the door bell and asked if “Mary Sue” was home. My parents disavowed any knowledge of a “Mary Sue” (actually, they did have “Mary Sue”. She was hogged-tied to a fence post in the pasture in an attempt to ward off evil squirrels that tote Samurai swords and steal cantaloupes.)

The man walked back towards his truck after my Dad claimed no knowledge of “Mary Sue”. On the way, he stopped and took notice of one of the mighty finely crafted lawn chairs that my mom had constructed out of PVC pipe. Really, these chairs where quite nice. My Dad stood at the door and looked through the window as this man picked up one of the lawn chairs and headed toward his truck.

In Texas, if someone steps foot on your property and steals something that is rightfully yours, you can shoot him. My Dad ran to his impressive gun shelf, grabbed a 12-gauge shotgun and a fistful of 20-gauge shells and began after the thief. He quickly realized that he had the wrong shells. Not unlike an evil squirrel that totes a Samurai sword, my Dad quickly retreated into the house to get the correct shells for his gun. He ran back outside, loaded the shotgun and ran after the man who was taking his lawn chair.

The thief was about to throw his new loot into his truck. My Dad stopped. He aimed the rifle at the thief. “Stop!” Says my Dad. The thief jumped into his truck, backed out and was about to head out. My Dad aimed his rifle at the thief’s head. He lowered the barrel of the shotgun a foot or so and pulled the trigger. He blew a hole in the thief’s truck door as he began peeling out in the gravel driveway.

The cops caught the thief a few hours later. They said he was limping from being sprayed with shotgun pellets in the leg.

Now who’s the cool kid in the sandbox when everybody starts boasting “My Daddy can kick your Daddy’s butt!”

Today is my Dad’s birthday. Happy Birthday Dad! I Love You!!!

Friday was hot until around 4:15 p.m. That’s when a monsoon fell upon southwest Austin. One second the pavement is melting from the heat, the next second, I couldn’t see out of my window because the rain was coming down so hard. It really seemed like a tornado had blown through. A tree in the parking lot blew over and onto somebody’s car. Another large tree across the street from out office had been blown over as well.

The rain stopped. The sun started coming out again. The electricity went out at 4:30 p.m. We all left work early.

I went over to El Arroyo and Elise and I drove over to 4 Wheel Parts to pick up the Jeep. We had the new tires installed.

I went home and Elise went back to work. Our friend, Jamie came into town to…

Go tubing the Guadalupe River in New Braunfels on Saturday. A whole gaggle of us floated the river. Not a whole lot to report there. We sat in inner tubes and floated in a cold river. At one point it started to sprinkle (the sky, not the river). Luckily it didn’t rain but it did render a very cold Josh. After our 4 hour float, we all ate at Adobe Verde. Great Mexican food.

Elise and I bummed around on Sunday. I botched an Asian Mahi Mahi recipe. Actually, the fish was bad. Pair that with a little burnt marinade containing brown sugar and you’ve got a meal fit for the trash.

Riding the trusty Shadow is painful. Honestly. I’ll hit pockets
of air on the highway that, if I had to guess, would be like driving through the
exhaust of a fighter jet. The hot air scorches my face and makes my eyes
dry out and water. It is hot. It’s so hot that my palms sweat.
Usually my palms will only sweat if I’m nervous.

It’s so hot that I really don’t think I am going to sit out on the blacktop
parking lot while wearing my navy blue polyester Adidas jogging suit and eat
bulky slices of Romano cheese and drink warm chocolate milk like I had planned.

I miss my wife. If anyone sees her, tell her hello and that I love her.

She works a lot. She went to work at 9 a.m. yesterday and wasn’t done until 11 p.m. I helped her out in the evening. We went to Lucky Lounge to break down a fajita buffet that she catered.

Days like that seem pretty regular. I think she’s frustrated because she’s still new and there’s a significant lack of help. Plus when you’re in catering, you have to deal with clients. Often picky clients.

I remember a time when I worked at the Austin Country Club. A client was throwing a baby shower and invited were well-to-do women in their late twenties and early thirties. All wearing name-brand pastel country-club-quality spring dresses. All had very small hands attached to golf ball size diamonds on their engagement and wedding rings.

The Austin Country Club can get linens in any color of the rainbow. This particular client wanted “sea foam green” linens. We usually stocked a plethora of “sea foam green”. I put “sea foam green” in parenthesis because I can’t bring myself to write sea foam green. Damn, I did it. Now I have to subscribe to Christopher Lowell’s decorating tips and tricks mailing list. Anyway, my boss and I set the beautiful banquet room overlooking putting greens with off-white tablecloths and “sea foam green” napkins, all folded in the most elegant of ways. Polished silverware was set as were bread plates, glassware, centerpieces, polished dressing boats and bread baskets. The whole nine yards.

Our client arrived. Let’s call her Bianca. Bianca took one look at our immaculate room arrangement and looked horrified. She cried. She cried so hard that one would have thought she had just witnessed a puppy walking in through the back door of a Vietnamese restaurant. She wasn’t crying because Doug and I had done our standard and amazing job of setting up an fine dining banquet room. She cried because of the linens.

Everyone else thought the room was gorgeous. And it was. Bianca whined about how she wanted “sea foam green” napkins and tablecloths for her friend’s baby shower brunch. Still crying, she told us that she wanted us to “do something”. We told her that we only had “sea foam green” napkins, not tablecloths. “Do something”. Still crying.

If you’ve ever had a fancy-shmancy breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner or bag of Doritos at a country club, then you know that there are a ton of table accessories. For each person there are: 23 forks on the left; 6 knives closest in on the right; 14 spoons to the right of the knives; and a wide array of utensils that lay horizontally above where one’s plate will be when served. Among these utensils are a shrimp fork, a grapefruit spoon, a pea fork, a sausage grinder, lemon tweezers, a lice comb, a salt knife and a ball ping hammer. Bianca wanted Doug and I to remove all table accessories and start over. With new linens. She’s still crying. “Sea foam green”.

Doug and I took Bianca out onto the putting green and pummeled her with a 7 iron and one of the sausage grinders.

Bianca eventually calmed down and the party went well. Everyone enjoyed their food, the service and watching Bianca’s friend open packages filled with Made For Baby Bentley Big Wheel, J. Lo.’s “I’m Still From the Block” Diamond Baby Gucci earrings, Pedialyte by Crystal and trust funds.

Anyway – that was a fun client experience for yours truly.

If you really hate me and want to do something about it, I have a suggestion: put me in a room with Rosie Perez and a customer service representative from Network Solutions.

“I’ll escalate this to our engineering department”. That’s what I hear every time I call Network Solution’s V.I.P. customer support hotline. We have 200+ client websites that are registered through Network Solutions. We utilize their web forwarding feature. I just so happened to notice that their web forwarding feature stopped working today. That means that 200+ of our clients are without websites. Want to know how long before this is fixed? “three to five business days”. But knowing that they have escalated this to their engineering department makes me feel so much better.

I don’t really like talking about work. I really don’t like Network Solutions either. Rosie Perez makes me want to chew on tin foil.

Sorry. Carry on now.

Harold and I watched Bad Boys II last night at the theatre. Funny, action packed and long. Usually I can wait for a movie to end before I need to use the restroom, but this time I had to go. Don’t you hate (and I promise this isn’t going to turn into your one-stop website for daily restroom adventures) it when you’ve been sitting in a movie theatre chair and you have to get up to use the can? The lights are low, your butt muscles are asleep and while you’re staggering towards the aisle, you kick empty boxes of Raisinettes and other peoples’ feet.

On the way to the movie theatre, Harold told me all I need to know about huaraches. I spouted off about how back in my day, we didn’t have shoes. Then something about the stock market. Harold pointed out that the Texas Lottery was up to $47 million. He asked what I would do with $47 million. I told him that after taxes were taken out and I received my check for $8, I would invest it or buy a few chicken burritos.

But seriously, I told him that I would buy a decent, manageable house, give my parents and in-laws a lot and probably a new motorcycle. So I’d have many millions left to invest in the stock market. I then had to explain to Harold what stocks were. He asked if he could buy stock in the mall. It’s fun explaining something to someone for the first time. I told him that in order to purchase shares in a company, you have to be able to throw a football with your left hand without looking like you’re the offspring of related parents.

I’m going to have to disagree with 68% of this free name analysis from kabalarians.com.

Red is false, green is true.

Your name of Joshua gives you the ability to be creative along practical lines of endeavor. Your ideas can be very original and inventive. You enjoy being with people in a social environment. Your personal appearance is important to you, for you desire to make a good impression on others. Your pleasant manner attracts people to you with their problems and you are capable of offering practical advice, though you would probably not follow such advice yourself. This name causes you to be somewhat too concerned with the personalities, problems, and activities of other people. You seem positive and decisive and can be outspoken in the expression of your opinions, but you lack the self-confidence needed to follow through with your ideas and plans. Procrastination is your downfall. You frequently choose the path of least resistance to avoid your responsibilities. It is not easy for you to overcome obstacles or face issues. This name does you an injustice in that it restricts your success in business and personal pursuits through a lack of ambition. There is a weakness in the fluid functions and in the region of the head resulting in sinus problems, headaches, eye, ear, or throat conditions and related ailments. Hair loss could also be a problem.

PWhen something that I’ve grown accustomed to suddenly changes, I usually say something like “awwww, man!” Take for instance the pleasant fragrance that was once emitted from the automatic air freshener dispenser in our office building’s men’s restroom. One wouldn’t ordinarily associate a sweet, fresh smell with a men’s restroom. Our building’s men’s restroom is an exception. 95% of the time, I would walk into the restroom and smell the wonderful smell that a little automatic wall-mounted canister of industrial-grade air freshener would spritz out on it’s little schedule. The other 5% of the time I would be met by the smell of what very easily could have been the byproduct of rancid armadillo and bleu cheese stew.

But really, I liked the smell of the air freshener that had been used in the restroom for the past couple of months. I seriously contemplated standing on the sink basin and opening up the dispensing mechanism to find out what brand and fragrance flavor air freshener was used. I wish I had. Today the fragrance flavor is different. Now I feel lost when going to the restroom. It’s bad enough that I can’t seem to convince myself that there are not Indiana-Jones-and-the-Temple-of-Doom-like poison tipped darts being shot into the back of my neck from above the bathroom’s mirror…

You see, even though I generally enjoy my 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. bathroom experiences due mainly to the associated aromatic pleasantness, like clockwork I get the bejesus scared out of me while ‘tending to business’. Invariably, while I’m standing before the urinal, that sweet aroma dispensing mechanism spits its nectar into the confines of the restroom. When this happens there is a distinct and wet aural puff not much unlike the sound that is heard when a tribesman shoots a dart through his blowgun and into the jugular vein of a small woodlands creature. Every time I hear that noise, I think I’m being shot in the back of the neck with a blowgun dart. I’m here to tell you that that kind of nervousness can lead to some pretty serious performance anxiety. I don’t know who would want to shoot me in the back of the neck with a blowgun dart. And to do that while answering the call of nature is beyond me. Perhaps I’m seen as a threat to the people of the Sweet Smelling Men’s Restroom Tribe. They’re trying to get me when I’m most vulnerable. That’s why I now carry a machete. You should see the looks on peoples faces when they see me walking down the hall and into the restroom. They just don’t understand what I’m up against.

I was just outside, contemplating my personal life and the late 19th century Bohemian arts revolution of eastern Europe when I realized that I, along with all of my friends, am a yuppie. This was discussed during a lunch date (heh) that I had with Victor yesterday. I’m a webmaster. My wife is the Director of Catering for a popular local Tex-Mex chain. My friends are Assistant Vice Presidents of large banks, Certified Public Accountants, Engineers, Online Ad Sales Managers, Financial Analysts for the largest media corporations just to name a few.

I thought this was noteworthy because I feel as though I can step away from myself to watch my life evolve. Almost ten years ago, I knew quite a few people who delivered pizzas for pot money, were career restaurant waiters and topless dancers. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with any of those professions. As a matter of fact, a combination of the aforementioned would be interesting. Like, oh, I don’t know, pizzas delivered by topless dancers. I never see these people anymore. Well, except for John. He was a topless dancer.

I’m just taking note on how I’m getting older.

This past weekend was a relatively quiet one. I surprised Elise and took her to The Oasis to see the sunset on Friday evening. We went over to John and Christine’s afterwards and hung out by the pool for a little while.

On Saturday, Elise and I drove around and looked at houses. And looked. And looked. We’re trying to get an idea of what neighborhoods and types of houses we like.

We woke up early on Sunday and went grocery shopping. We hadn’t gone to the grocery story in a month or so. We came back home, watched a few episodes of the Sopranos on DVD and I made stuffed, 4 cheese cannelloni. I also made watermelon smoothies with boysenberry sorbet and ginger.