Author: Josh

A couple of tickets to the San Antonio Stock Show & Rodeo fell off the back of a truck on Wednesday.  Elise and I drove down to SA, paid $30 for two personal pizzas and a couple drinks, watched the rodeo and Bill Engvall perform afterwards.  Ninety percent of the Bill’s act was new material and it was all hilarious.

During one of the bullrides “Freebird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd was cranked through the PA.  Elise turned to me with her hand on her abdomen and said, “Ohmagawd, the baby likes Skynyrd.”

I rolled my eyes and laughed.

We didn’t leave the rodeo until 11 p.m.  On the way home I cranked up “Sweet Home Alabama” on the iPod.  Elise turned to me and said, “The baby just started moving!”

As another test I cranked up Metallica’s cover of Skynyrd’s “Tuesday’s Gone”.  The baby didn’t move.  I’m hoping that the Skynyrd-induced movement was like banging on the ceiling of your apartment, telling the upstairs neighbors to turn that crap on the stereo down.

If not, we won’t bathe the kid and when its hair is long enough we’ll give it a mullet.

Elise has been working closely this week with Bill Engvall and Doug English in preparation for this year’s Lone Star Classic.  Doug put his soothsayer hand on Elise’s stomach last night and proclaimed that she is having a boy.

I’ve been working with my buddy, Larry Elkins this week on a better credit card processing solution for the company.  Larry put his hand on my stomach this morning and told me I need more fiber.

Elise’s work called her last night and said something that set her off. She came into the office and started complaining about work. I hate it when I have to listen to people talk about their work so then I got pissed because 1) I was having to listen to someone talk about work and 2) my wife was upset so I became husbandly upset and wanted to kick the ass of the person that made my wife upset.

Elise’s evening was ruined as was mine. I tried being extra nice (keep in mind, she’s 7 months pregnant to boot) and that probably helped a little, but she was still fuming as we both went to bed.

This morning started off with my alarm spouting out comtemporary Christian music in its sunshiny, happy to be awake, good Tuesday morning to you, chipper voice. Austin’s only classic rock station changed formats months ago to contemporary Christian and apparently I’m too stupid to remember that I don’t like Natalie Grant at 7 a.m. and that I really should change the radio station on my alarm clock.

I am Beelzebub before 10 a.m. (good name for a rock band). I will verbally gnarl you to death if we cross paths. Ask the cat. Or Natalie Grant. I don’t need or drink coffee. I have no real morning ritual. I just need my “me time” for my first few hours into the day.

I tried to remember that Elise was upset last night. I quietly pummelled about the house while getting ready for work and kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her.

I got to work earlier than usual today. My office manager had a dental appointment this morning so I needed to be at the office to make sure the troops were doing okay, plus I had to put together a detailed proposal for a prospect.

One of my employees had to bring her sick baby in with her this morning because she couldn’t leave her at day care. I didn’t mind that she brought her daughter in but I was on pins and needles when the phone rang in fear that Ashtyn would burst into virus-induced shrieks while someone was talking to a customer. Luckily that didn’t happen. The thought of a customer asking, “What? Are you running a day care there now too?” did render a few gray hairs though.

Elise called an hour later. I was in trouble for nothing other than she was still fuming from her ordeal with work from the night before.

Tuesday has gone to Hell at this point.

“Josh, there’s a gentleman on the phone regarding Martin Avenue Pharmacy’s website. He said he works for Martin Avenue.”

This jackass made a search engine optimization sales call to me and posed as an existing customer. He was somewhat convincing at first but as he kept talking, I could tell he wasn’t an employee of my customer. I asked, “Is this a sales call?” to which he replied, “No.” And then he had to balls to belittle me by talking smack about MY meta tags.

So I took much needed time away from the proposal I was working on and filed a complaint against the company with the Better Business Bureau and e-mailed a formal claim letter to the CEO.

I got my proposal out but not before Elise called me again and I was again crucified for crimes committed against pregnant spouses by pregnant spouse’s employer.

I hate Tuesdays. And Natalie Grant.