XXX

I turned 30 yesterday. I thought it was going to be just another day. The girls decorated the office with tons of black balloons and we ordered in Bella Serra for lunch. Later in the afternoon I stood up after burning a copy of MapPoint for my sales person and my right knee gave out on me. It literally crippled me. I honestly thought I was going to have to go to the doctor. I walked around the warehouse a few times to rebuild my knee’s collagen. I’ve never had knee problems. I’m getting old.

Elise and I went out for a nice dinner at The Cafe at the Four Seasons. Elise had the Jumbo Shrimp and Dover Sole Piccata, Caper Berries, Mediterranean Couscous and Baby Artichokes. I had the 8 oz. Texas Charred Beef Tenderloin, Twice Baked Potato, Creamy Spinach and Green Peppercorn Sauce. Dinner was fantastic.

During dinner Elise mentioned that we need to “talk” before the baby is born. She told me that she would like to know how to do the things in our relationship that have always been my responsibility such as paying the bills, managing our investments, retirement and where everything is filed.

When we got home she gave me my 30th birthday present: A gift certificate for one jump out of an airplane with a man attached to my back and a parachute attached to his back.

A baby on the way, a wife who wants to off me and a prostate gland that’s now going to require regular check-ups.

Welcome, 30.

Music signature

Ever get that question, “So, what kind of music do you listen to?”

“Ummm… I pretty much like everything.”

No you don’t. I don’t like Kanye West. I don’t like Lenny Kravitz. I don’t like the Dick See Chicks.

Here’s my music signature.
($20 to anyone who can name at least 20 of the songs)

Austin Project

Very cool. A revolution! I’m looking forward to hearing the ad.

Lobby4Linux, in cooperation with myfirstlinux.com and featuring PclinuxOS; announce the first commercial advertising effort for the Linux Operating System. We will advertise a free system, not the boxed-sets for SUSE or RedHat you see on CompUSA shelves. The residents of Austin Texas will soon hear of Linux on their radio stations. For six days a week, two to three times a day and for 24 days, Linux will become a “known” product via a professional 30 second radio advertisement. According to hundreds of responses to a recent Lobby4Linux blog of helios, it is an effort well past its time.

“The Austin Project” will bring Linux into the light of day for thousands…possibly tens of thousands. Those who believe that Microsoft Windows is their only choice will soon know better. This is the day Microsoft did not want to come. The day the Linux Community took it upon themselves to give the world Linux. It only begins in Austin Texas….where it goes from there is up to us. Next will be the Boise Project, then The Denver Project. Austin…? This is simply the first step of a journey…the first shot fired in a long war. There is no other way to make it happen. Business for the most part has ignored us. We must make this happen for ourselves. Folks in other cities and countries need to be planning ahead and deciding who will pick up the ball once we score in Austin. Until this project takes root, one project at a time should run. Cities competing with each other will only dampen our efforts.

I would love to learn more about Linux. I would like to keep a PC in the home office running something other than Windows. I tried Linux over three years ago but was turned off when I couldn’t get online, print or find any peripherals. I hope these guys do something great for “the rest of us” without us having to RTFM.

How to sell your wife’s motorcycle helmet

“I’m going to sell my two motorcycle helmets. Do you want me to sell your’s?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“…”

“Are you going to get drunk on your birthday again, put your motorcycle helmet on, sit in the hallway and cry while you show childhood photos to people that you don’t know?”

“You can sell it.”

Guinness ice cream

I found this recipe adaptation from The Boston Globe. I think I’ll try it when the in-laws visit next month.

Makes 1 quart

1/2 vanilla bean, split lengthwise
1 cup whole milk
1 cup heavy cream
2/3 cup Guinness stout
2 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons molasses
4 egg yolks
1/3 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

  1. In a medium saucepan, scrape in the vanilla bean seeds. Add the pod, milk, and cream. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Turn off the heat, cover the pan, and let the flavors infuse for 30 minutes.
  2. Meanwhile, in a small saucepan over medium-high heat, whisk together the stout and molasses. Bring to a boil and turn off heat.
  3. In a large mixing bowl, whisk the yolks, sugar, and vanilla extract. Whisk in a few tablespoons of the hot cream mixture, then slowly whisk in another 1/4 cup of the cream. Add the remaining cream in a steady stream, whisking constantly. Pour the mixture back into the saucepan.
  4. Stir the beer mixture into the cream mixture. Cook the custard over medium heat, stirring often with a wooden spoon, for 6 to 8 minutes or until the custard thickens enough to coat the back of the spoon.
  5. Strain the mixture into a bowl and refrigerate for at least 2 hours or overnight. Process the custard in an ice cream maker according to the manufacturer’s instructions.

Body moving. Body body body body body body body

I FINALLY felt my kid kick tonight. For the past three weeks Elise would jump from the chair in the living room and over the coffee table to me on the couch and say, “HURRY! It’s moving!” I would put my hand on Elise’s stomach and wait.

And wait.

And wait more.

Nothing.

I finally felt my kid kick tonight. Actually I saw it before I felt it. That was weird. I then rested my hand on Elise’s stomach for longer than normal and actually felt it.

It wasn’t what I was expecting. Instead of little taps or thumps, I felt full-on reverse hook kicks. This kid is in Tae Kwon Do training already. What I felt was Elise’s entire stomach thumping like a micro-Josh-in-training is in there.

Elise insists on knowing how I’m “feeling”.

I’m excited but kind of concerned that we’re spawning an ass-kicking alien.

Paul Teutul found dead at bottom of famed mobster fish’s house

At 4 p.m. this afternoon I found Paul Teutul’s lifeless body resting flat on the rocks at the bottom of Tony Soprano’s tank.

I bought Paul Teutul, a gold guaramie, as a companion for Tony Soprano last week. Paul Teutul was introduced just over a month after Tony Soprano’s companion, Carmela tragically hanged herself.

Tony Soprano and Paul Teutul, named for his handlebar-style mustache, seemed to be friends during their one week together. It was, however, commonplace for TS to do a little bullying by chasing PT around the tank.

Tony Soprano is resilient, in good health and has quickly adapted to being alone again.

The two deaths being so close together leave us to wonder if foul play was involved and what, if any, is on Tony Soprano’s agenda.

I spoke with Tony Soprano moments after exhuming and caring for the deceased Paul Teutul. His response: “Seen if before. Wuddya gonna do?”

Bully on the monkey bars

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
!!!

I’m laughing all the way to my Ameritrade account. For a year or so. I’m hoping it’s longer than that.  Not because I’m a Mac guy.  I’m just not a big fan of Dell.

For those about to shove rusty scissors into your eye, I salute you

Today marks my third anniversary with my company. This date is not to be confused with Scandanavia’s St. Knut’s Day or more importantly, on this date in 1957 when the Wham-O toy company introduced a flying disk which later became known as the Frisbee. In celebration of these joyous occasions I am commemorating those who have had a rough go of it this week.

Me: I am suffering terribly from what is known as Couvade Syndrome. I’ve been experiencing a lot of stomach cramping and a couple bouts with nausea. I been stricken with a lovely condition that I like to call p.m. heartburn that could choke a donkey. I have a right-side recurring sciatica that can only be treated by walking around in circles and deep tissue massaging my own ass in public. I’ve gained embarassing sympathy weight, have grown a beard, I’m extremely irritable and I cried after watching “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” on Sunday. I’ve never experienced any of the afformentioned conditions in the past and have always been a very healthy person. I’d heard of Couvade Syndrome before but didn’t think of it as a real condition. I’m here to tell you that it’s very real and it sucks. Elise is doing great with the pregnancy. That bitch.

Clyde’s boss: Clyde, my friend and Tae Kwon Do instructor told me last night that his boss left work early one afternoon complaining of a stomach ache. He stayed home the following day as well. His wife left him at the house to go to the grocery store. On the way to the store she hit a deer and totalled her car. She repeatedly used her cell phone to call her husband at the house but he never answered. She walked all the way home to find him paralyzed on the living room floor with a ruptured appendix. He was immediately rushed to the emergency room and from what I’m told will make a full recovery.

Doug and Marcia: Our good friends bought a house in Austin last month. They flew in from North Carolina late last week. Doug started his new job on Monday. The moving van came in on Tuesday. Marcia went into labor on Tuesday. The baby was born on Wednesday. Doug sprouted a new gray hair late Wednesday. How stressful is that?!?

Smooth skin Photoshop tutorial

I’m rewording Nahla’s “Retouch Skin” tutorial in gooder English so you too can easily touch up your photos and ensure that your wife will hate you for exposing lines and blemishes. Look carefully at the photo above.

1) Open photo in Photoshop and duplicate the photo layer (you’ll have two layers of the same photo).

2) Select the History Brush Tool
3) Select your bottom layer
4) Filter > Noise > Median…
5) Drag the Radius slider until the subject’s skin is smooth. It will be blurry but don’t fret.

6) Go to your History palette

  • Check the box to the left of the Median history item
  • Select the history item (should be “Duplicate Layer”) above the Median history item

7) Select your top layer (the normal, unblurred layer)
8) Use your History Brush Tool and select soft brushes to “paint” smooth skin

The Apple market and Macintosh and iPod price points

I refreshed iLounge.com today to read the updates from Steve Jobs’ Macworld Conference and Expo keynote address. I was quickly reminded why I finally decided to switch to the Macintosh: iLife. Most people use their personal computers for, um, personal things. Now that everything is digital (when was the last time you took “film” to Wal-Mart to get “developed”?), iLife has everything you need at a price that most can easily afford. iLife can create movies, audio recordings, DVDs and organize your photos and digital music files with ease. Actually, what really sold me on OS X was when John showed me Exposé, which I still use regularly. And of course there is the stabilty of the Mac’s operating system which is just unnoticed gravy for me now.

My mom e-mailed me a couple weeks ago and asked, “Have you downloaded Google Earth yet?” To which I replied, “No. They don’t have a version for the Mac.”

I have my home office Windows computer that’s still an okay machine. I could have installed Google Earth on it but I was honestly afraid that if I did, my ethernet card might run the risk of no longer being recognized by Windows XP, or that my CD burner might actually catch fire. That would require me to endure the painstaking and arduous task of replacing hardware and ultimately, reinstalling Windows XP.

Today Apple announced the newest iMacs and the brand new MacBook Pro, both with Core Duo Intel processors. I bought a G5 iMac for my work computer a couple months ago. It is the gold standard for a desktop PC. As are most Mac owners, I was somewhat upset when the new iMacs were announced with the new Intel chip architecture. I told my office manager, “GOD XXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX XXXXX MOTHER XXXXXXX IT’S XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX SHOULD HAVE XXXXXXX WAITED!!!” But we were all told that Apple and Intel were partnering up last year. Caveat emptor.

What is this new processor that makes the 2006 Macintosh computers so super sweet? Well, I’d tell you about benchmarks and stuff but, I really don’t understand benchmarks. When I think of benchmarks, I think of what a notch in a headboard means to homeless people.

I easily spend 12+ hours a day in front of a Mac. I’m a geek. Albeit I could probably be doing more productive things in those three hours at home in front of the computer, but somewhere down the line I inherited a geek gene. I went so far as to interview my own family as to how this advanced-thinking lineage was passed down.

“Dad, what is it that makes me fascinated with the world of technology and how it will change generations to come?”

“Mmmhmmm. Some people call it a sling blade. I call it a kaiser blade. Mmmhmmm.”

Since my wife has a degree in photography, I gave her a nice digital SLR camera for Christmasâ„¢. I personally think Aperture would be a great application for her as she’s a little hesitant about breaking back into the world of photography and digital photography is a whole new, unadventured world in her eyes.

Aperture would run great on a Core Duo MacBook Pro versus my 1.2 GHz G4 iBook with 1.25 GB DDR SDRAM. The MacBook Pro is a notebook computer that can easily replace a desktop computer. It has benchmarks!! It’s a great machine and I would love to have one. I would love to have one so much that I just know I will lose the battle when I propose to my wife that I HAVE TO HAVE ONE for my thirtieth birthday. Just think of a notebook computer that is 4-5 faster than its predecessor. It’s Double True! No, it’s Quadruple True!

My biggest hesitation about buying my first Mac was the price. I honestly don’t think I would have bought one myself but I kept bitching about how my Windows computer had so many problems and how an iBook would be so great to have that my wife gave me one for our anniversary two years ago. Since then I cringe when I have to use a Windows PC.

But still, the Macintosh, and even the iPod pricepoint are hard to swallow for many. I’ve come to two difinitive conclusions since becoming a die-hard Mac fanatic: time spent maintaining your PC and Apple’s packaging.

If you sit down and figure out how much you make an hour assuming 1) you know how to determine your hourly wage (if you’re paid a salary) and 2) you actually have a job, it’s astonishing how much time you can spend on Windows updates, virus scans, add/remove programs, msconfig, regedit, scanning for spyware and malware, patches, networking, crashes, BSODs, drivers and watching heavy eyelid-inducing CES keynotes using Windows Media Player, you’d realize that you’re losing time and money. If you can estimate that you make ~$20 an hour and spend three hours a week maintaining your Windows computer then the need for the switch is obvious. You need an iProduct.

My boss handed me his company nearly two years ago. I didn’t know jack shit about running a company and since then have learned a lot by trial and error and very hard knocks. One of the first things I learned on my own was cutting costs. One of our biggest costs was packaging and shipping. We handle all fulfillment in-house and we used to have custom boxes made for us with our nice, big corporate logo stamped on two sides of all of our boxes. After some research I quickly realized that our customers don’t care what our boxes looked like or how they were branded. I 86’d the box branding and found a new vendor that sold standard and comparable-sized boxes and I saved the company 70% in fulfillment.

I remember buying the G5 iMac at the Apple store in Barton Creek Mall and how it was invigorating, ego massaging, if you will, and, at the same time, embarassing to lug and stagger though the mall and through the parking lot with a large and clunky branded G5 iMac suitcase box in my hand.

I bought an HP DV-something-or-other model notebook PC for one of my salepeople from a brick and mortar CompUSA a year ago. It came in a standard, brown box with a thermal printed “HP” logo and model number on the exterior. I didn’t care that it came in a brown box. My employee didn’t care. Our potential customers didn’t care either.

Apple should do the same thing. We know what we’re buying when we visit a retail store or order online. That’s 70% percent that could be shaved off somewhere along the conveyor belt.

Steve Jobs, that’s seventy percent, not deem. Either way, Apple’s stock went up $5 today and I’ll buy a Core Duo one day. Call it a benchmark.

Dinner for a triple decader

It seems like only 24 years ago my mom would ask, “What do you want to do for your birthday?” to which I would shriek, “SHOWBIZ!!!” Showbiz Pizza was the kid-friendly, adult-nightmare where kids held their birthday parties. There were games, prizes, polyurethane cheese pizzas, pitchers and pitchers of Mr. Pibb and automated characters that sang songs at set intervals. Showbiz was bought out years ago by what is now Chuck E. Cheese’s. It employes the same formula for childhood enjoyment. When I was a kid the adults were allowed to smoke, drink, use intravenous drugs and watch pornography while the children laughed and hugged keyboard playing gorillas and rats in cheerleader skirts. I firmly believe that this is why most of my generation doesn’t have ADHD.

My day is coming. In five years I will find myself with my child, among hundreds of other screaming three-foot people, at Chuck E. Cheese’s wondering, “Did I leave my syringe in the mini van?”

My thirtieth birthday is sixteen days away and if you know me, you know I have a penchant for a well-prepared dinner. I have decided that I will have this dinner on my birthday. I have limited my choices to the select top 10 restaurants in Austin as dictated by the Austin American-Statesman. Chuck E. Cheese’s wasn’t on the exclusive list so I am looking at all of the restaurants at which I have not yet eaten. Money is no option because I will only turn 30 once and after our child is born in April I am certain that the majority of my nutrition will be prepared by the renowned Chef Boyardee.

  1. Driskell Grill – We ate at the Driskell Grill for our anniversary last year. The meal took too long and this establishment is too fine dine for what I want for my birthday.
  2. Aquarelle – I don’t want French food for my birthday.
  3. Café at the Four Seasons – I’m willing to bet I’d have a perfect steak here.
  4. Hudson’s on the Bend – We’ve eaten here many times. I want something different although I’m not ruling out a tried and true.
  5. Jeffrey’s – We’ve eaten at Jeffrey’s before.
  6. Café 909 – I don’t think I want to drive home from Marble Falls and turn around and drive back to Marble Falls to eat. That and the last girl I fired works at Café 909 and given the restaurant’s intimate setting, it’s very possible that we would cross paths or better, she would be our server and spit on my sweetbread.
  7. Uchi – I don’t want sushi for my birthday. The last time I had sushi on my birthday I drank enough saki to where my feet bacame numb and I fell down a flight of stairs right out onto South Congress.
  8. Zoot – I am very much entertaining the Chef’s Tasting.
  9. Wink – Wink has an excellent daily menu that might make for an interesting evening of culinary enlightenment.
  10. Little Texas Bistro – It’s close to home, the menu is short and sweet and features some great entrees. The last time I called I was laughed at for not making my reservation a week prior.

So it’s either the Café at the Four Seasons, Zoot, Wink or the Little Texas Bistro. Or Hooters.