“I’m going to change Maly’s diaper. While I’m doing that, will you draw her a bath?”
Uppity racism
Actual conversation with the wine monger at the grand opening of the Escarpment Village HEB:
“Are you a dry white guy?”
“Nope. Just a plain ol’ honky.”
33 Reasons Why We Should Be Award-Winning Parents
- If your Grandma wasn’t there, we’d probably just let you drown while we talked about digital photography and video.
- Your Dad lobbed the tip of your thumb while trying to clip your fingernails. And you bled. And you screamed. A lot.
- Your Dad fell asleep on the couch with an open beer sitting on the coffee table. He only took one sip from said beer before he conked out. You woke up early Sunday morning, walked about the house and found Dad’s beer from the night prior. We don’t know how much, if any, beer your actually drank.  You did manage to cover the front of your pajamas though. And you asked your Mom and I if we had any cigarettes.
- Mom has had difficulties producing enough breast milk. Dad said, “That’s okay, we’ll just fill her up with formula so she’ll fall asleep.” After two days of implementing Dad’s Thinking, Mom consulted the professionals only to find out that Dad’s Thinking was the absolute worst idea in the world.
- I’m not going to name names but someone drank a margarita or two and then nursed you.
- On more than one occasion, Dad forgot to wipe front to back.
- We let you fall flat on your face.
- “Lemme give her some scotch. That’ll satiate her.”
- An elbow to the brow will only make you cry louder.
10,000 Days
Tool‘s sixth album, 10,000 Days was released today and yours truly has been anxiously awaiting this day for months. I’d been keeping close tabs on album and tour date information and learned that the album was leaked two weeks ago. I made no plan to download the leaked album. Besides, I know that Tool always provides a little something more when you purchase the CD – like stereoscopic lenses “to enhance the artwork experience of the 10,000 Days package”.
Matt and I had a discussion recently about the ways in which we purchase our music. I prefer to buy online for the sake of convenience. He prefers to go to the store and feel and see and smell the packaging. The 10,000 Days packaging is really cool and I’m sure I looked like I should ride the shortbus as I was sitting in the truck in the Target parking lot, looking through the stereoscopic lenses at images of science and of the occult.
It’s been almost three years since I last purchased a music CD. Another oddity is that I bought 10,000 Days for $9.98. If it were carried in the iTunes Music Store, it would be $9.99. I was geared to pay $17.99 for the CD. I guess the band, like most, will make money by selling concert tickets for $100. And I will pay that because how can I not support my favorite band that provides stereoscopic lenses for the purpose of package enhancement?
Reprogramming
I’ve been banging my head against the wall, asking Elise, asking Riley, asking Maly, “What can I write about?”
I have nothing. Zilch. Nada.
It’s hard to maintain any sort of outward social conciousness or wit when you have a human in your house that is not capable of holding her own head up and warrants a tangible document to journal her stools.
Instead of littering Janicek.com with daily updates on how Maly (MAY-lee) did the cutest little thing today and journaling shart density, I’ve decided to publish a monthly letter to Maly on or around the 15th of the month.
Daily poop reports and recounts of the birthing process I will leave up to Elise. Don’t expect many reports because even though I love my kid, the notion of human fecal excrementation still makes your humble narrator queasy. Elise is the only one who can feed which leaves her with little time outside of nourishing and dealing with seedy yellow sharts.
Seedy Yellow Sharts would be an awesome name for a band.
Fun with photos, CD jewel cases and big magnets
I found this tutorial on Photojojo showing how to use CD jewel cases as picture frames and decided to use the idea to spruce up the empty wall in my home office.
My plan was to buy a 48″ x 36″ piece of sheet metal and mount it to the wall and attach the photos using magnets. I couldn’t find the sheet metal that I wanted at the HoPot. I did, however, find some wicked cool 8″ x 34″ magnetic brass kick plates that I flipped, screwed into the wall and attached my CD case frames to with some washers and double-sided heavy-duty adhesive.
It’s a pretty cool addition to the office. I can mix and match photos in whatever order I want and add or remove photos as I please.
Eight Days
I’ve been a father for over a week now. I can’t put into the words the feelings that I’ve experienced in the past eight days.
The day after Maly was born I went home to have dinner with my parents. When I drove back to the hospital that evening I completely lost it in the parking lot. I put the truck in park and cried like I’ve never cried before. It was an awesome and surreal moment. Happy tears fell as the notion of “my daughter” sang in my head over and over.
I have a daughter. She is amazing.
Steve
Maly Elizabeth Janicek
Girl Power
We arrived at the hospital at 11 p.m. last night. Our baby girl was born at 12:49 a.m. this morning. Elise delivered naturally and she and baby did a fantastic job. I couldn’t be prouder of either of them.
Weight: 7 lbs. 10 oz.
Length: 20.5 inches.
Name: We’ll decide on her name tonight.
More photos can be seen here.
Lacquered and stoned immaculate
My parents drove up to visit last weekend so they could spend some time with us before the baby is born.
At some point on Saturday Dad and I found ourselves sitting out on the deck, talking about how cool it is to kill things with guns. The conversation changed abruptly when Dad said, “You should get some of that Thompson’s WaterSeal and treat your deck by spraying that stuff on it with your garden sprayer.”
I let the girls leave work at 2 this afternoon because it’s Good Friday and a Good enough excuse to let the troops get a head start on Easter. I left the office at 3 and hauled home to treat the deck.
I climbed up onto the roof of the deck and treated the top. I climbed down and began treating the underside of the roof with the garden sprayer filled with Thompson’s WaterSeal, also known on the street as TWS or, as I like to refer to it: The Wicked Sheeba. What goes up, must come down. If I had to guess, I’d say I inhaled a good half liquid ounce of aliphatic hydrocarbons and I became, as they say in the chat rooms, high as a mofo. I lost basic motor function. Moving the ladder required the use of all three of my arms and a lot of giggling. I had to look down at my feet while attempting to walk to make sure they would go where I wanted them and that meant I had to take a few steps sideways before moving forward.
Just about the time I had achieved a prophetic concious awareness and a completely waterproofed body I ran out of The Wicked Sheeba. So I did what any other junky would do. I drove to the Home Depot for more solvent. I quickly found another gallon of TWS and rushed to the self check out line so I could hurry home and try to finish the deck before the sun went down.
“Please wait for store associate” read the display after I scanned the gallon tin of TWS. “Is the customer old enough to purchase paints, paint thinners and solvents?” flashed on the screen next. An employee came over and began pulling out his employee badge to scan in at my self check out area. As he approached I looked at him with my Snoop Doggy Dogg eyes and I think I said, “Doooooooood… I’m totally like 21! Scan the man and let me fly away on the highway with angels on my arms and into blueberry sunsets.”
I don’t remember much after that but I found myself back at home with two one gallon varieties of The Wicked Sheeba, five packages of beef round steak, a tulip plant and a bottle of scotch.
My blueberry sunset left me with no daylight in which to finish treating the deck. Assuming the Zombie Eater doesn’t come tonight, I’ll need to finish the deck tomorrow. I think I’ll wear a mask.
Chairman
When Spring arrives, I host the annual Godfather’s Club Meeting. Every year I appoint my new Chairman. The fight among the final two to become Chairman isn’t easy.
I will grow to hate this man
Jessica: Give Joe McDermott a listen.
Josh: I’m going to have a real hard time with things like The Wiggles, Barney and children’s music.
Jessica: You will do fine. Besides, there will be other well educated adults acting just as goofy as you are acting. Isn’t that why you went to college… to become a responsible parent?
Josh: Yes. And part of that training also involved yours truly drinking beer directly from the nozzle of a keg while being held upside down.