Author: Josh

I bought my neighbor’s 1993 Toyota pickup truck three years ago with 80,000 miles on it for $2,000.

I washed and waxed the truck yesterday.  I put “For Sale” on it this evening at 7 p.m.  The truck was sold at 9 p.m. with 151,000 miles on it for $1,900.  In my book, that’s an awesome sale.  I’m happy that I got good money for my little truck but I’m kind of sad because of all of my vehicles, that was a damn good truck and probably my favorite.  I’m going to miss it.

Now the gauntlet has been dropped… I’m in vehicle selling mode.  Next on my hit parade is Elise’s Jeep.  I think some tears will fall after that sale.

I was doing some research at the office today on the technologies that the company employs.  I wanted to see if I could crack our system.  I figured if I could exploit a vulnerability and bring it to the attention to the organization, I would be helping the company to create an even more secure product for our customers and I would be applauded, praised and handed large sums of cash, stock options and gummi bears.

So I did what any other eager, semi-new employee would do.  I downloaded a progam that would aid me in my research.  Upon downloading the zipped binaries of said program, a window popped up with a bright red Trend Micro OfficeScan banner at the top.  I immediately knew that I’d screwed up because a pop up window with a red banner screams, “You’re an Idiot and because you did this at work, we’re taking away your stapler!”   Which is funny in and of itself because, despite multiple requests for one, I don’t even have a stapler.  HA!

I’ve dealt with computer virus issues, malware, hijackware, spyware and even tupperware many, many times in the past.  For most of us the anti-virus program window pops up and says, “Hey, Slingblade, put down the biskits ‘n’ musturd and tell me that you don’t REALLY want to download this!” and then we all click the quarantine or delete button and go about our day scouring the web for photos of Britney Spears exiting a vehicle.

Instead of asking me if I wanted to quarantine or delete the virus, I was told that the system has notified our Senior Systems Administrator and he will be at my desk momentarily to kick me in the yarbles.

So I quickly decided that I needed to make my case.  I decided that it would be best if I said, in my best Slingblade impersonation, something that I’ve never thought would ever, ever pass my lips:

“You see, it started when I began my research on MD5 cryptography and rainbow tables which are, as Britney Spears recently noted, a refinement of an algorithm that uses the inversion of hashes by looking up precomputed hash chains whereas each table depends on the hash function and the reduce function used.”

Much to my surprise, our Senior Systems Administrator didn’t come stomping over to my desk.

So I decided to leave work early.

Friday was my thirty-first birthday.  I was reminded of this on Friday morning when Elise woke me up by kissing me on the cheek and saying, “Happy birthday!”

It was a regular work day and at 2:51 I found myself on the phone with a client in a conference room.  2:51 was when I was born.

January 26th is a very important day as it the birthday of many other very important people.  For example, Frankie Rayder, apparently a faithful patriot, also turned 31 on Friday.  Film critic Gene Siskel was born on this day.  Bob Uecker and Paul Newman share the day with me.  Ellen DeGeneres, pro-arm wrestler and primary reason why laundry doesn’t get done in our house was also born on the 26th.  And my favorite, Eddie Van Halen.  Since I was ten-years-old I’ve made it a tradition to listen to Van Halen on my birthday.

I hurried home from work on Friday evening.  Mom had come up to spend the weekend with us and she and Elise were making dinner in the kitchen.  After dinner Elise and I drove downtown to see Dave Barry at the Paramount Theater. Dave was funny enough to keep a smile on my face for an hour and a half but Elise and I both left with a feeling that there was something to be desired.

We drove home while listening to Van Halen on the iPod.  When we got home, I opened presents.  Mom got me a Magic Bullet blender that I’m hoping I won’t destroy the first time I use it.  Elise got me Hudson on the Bend’s second cookbook, “Fired Up”, which, I’m hoping, will inspire me to cook again.

After presents we engaged ourselves in one of my favorite conversation pieces: religion.  I’m pretty sure I did a fantastic job of portraying myself as Marilyn Manson to my Mom and wife and I’m almost certain I heard Maly wake up and from her room snicker and say, “Dude, you’re sooo going to hell.”

On Saturday Elise textured our bathroom walls.  Earlier this month we experienced to great joys of stripping wall paper.  If you’re ever in the position where you have to either strip wall paper or play Russian Roulette with a guy named Twitch, choose the latter.

Saturday night we had dinner with our friends at what used to be the Y Bar and Grill in Oak Hill which is now Nunzia’s at the Y which we will probably NEVER patronize again.  We used to love going to the Y which became Nunzia’s, to our dismay on Friday.  Albeit our party was twelve-top but I don’t like 3-hour dinners.  Service was sub par.  They ran out of a wine we all liked.  After we ordered entrees it was brought to our attention that they’d run out of swordfish.  Ten minutes later we were told they’d ran out of halibut.  We were at the restaurant at 6 p.m. and one of the first tables there for dinner service.  The chefs should have a) taken inventory and stocked accordingly for Saturday dinner and b) informed the waitstaff of said inventory.  When we did finally eat, nobody mentioned their meal.  I wanted my friends and family to enjoy our time together but I really wanted them to enjoy their meals.  Nunzia’s didn’t pull it together for me.   I had a great time with everyone last night but I’m pissed at the restaurant.  I want to fire people.

We came home after dinner and put Maly to sleep.  Victor came over for a nightcap and helped me figure out the I-Cat that Jack gave me for my birthday.

After an hour or so Victor left, we all went to bed and I resolved to the fact that I’m now a thirty-something.

I was in the elevator this afternoon with two coworkers. The other two, both bachelors, were having a conversation about their friends who are parents. The gist of the conversation was, “Once you become a parent, you live, eat and breathe your children.” They went on to reflect on their respective social lives and how children have dramatically effected their friends. My understanding of the conversation was that neither of them were ready to contemplate having children. It was then that I chimed in and said, “I have a nine-month-old daughter.” One stated, “So, you know what it’s like!” To which I responded, “Yep.” And then went on to say something that I heard from Janeen years ago. “…And I couldn’t imagine life otherwise.”

On Saturday Elise went to brunch with her girlfriends and they all worked on baby books. Maly and I hung out most of the day. I did something to make Maly laugh and I saw what looked like a tooth poking out from her lower front gums. I put my finger in her mouth and, sure enough, she had cut her first tooth. I picked her up and we ran around the house while I gleefully celebrated a tooth. I was so proud at that moment and Maly giggled as I ran and her hair blew back. Even though she’s not consciously responsible for this milestone, I was so proud of her. A tooth meant that she can start eating real solid food. During lunch I started having visions of my daughter wanting to help me cook. The wheel starting turning and I smiled as I thought about my baby growing up.

This morning we took Maly for her nine month check-up. She passed with flying colors and I was really proud of that as I hadn’t been to a Maly check-up in six months. I was so proud that I took the tongue depressor that the physician’s assistant used with Maly. I kept it in my pocket today and clutched with my left hand while in the elevator this afternoon as I listened to my coworkers’ conversation.

And it’s so very true… I wouldn’t have it any other way. I couldn’t imagine life otherwise. Maly means the world to me.

And I’m keeping that tongue depressor.

On Friday Elise, Maly and I went out for fried catfish at the Manchaca Fire Hall Kitchen. The atmosphere was a lot of fun and Maly was able to watch a live Bluegrass band. The food: good but not as good as the catfish at Crossroads in Cat Spring, but still a fun family place we might find ourselves at on Friday nights in the future.

On Saturday Elise went to our neighbors house to work on Maly’s baby book. Maly and I we able to spend some quality time together. One of those quality moments involved her falling and whacking her cheek on the corner of my filing cabinet. That rendered a lot of tears and a nice purple bruise on her cheek. Later in the day she decided to try a backflip off of my office chair. That rendered me pacing about the house while clutching my daughter in my arms and repeating, “I’m sorry, baby. Daddy didn’t meant to drop you on your head.” Luckily both incidents were very minor.

On Sunday we finally bought chairs for our kitchen table. For three years we had been using Elise’s old director chairs from her college days and two lawn chairs. It was one of my goals after I found gainful employment to buy chairs for our kitchen table as sort of a way to honor my Dad. Our kitchen table was my Dad’s before he and Mom met. So the table is going on 40 years old and I obviously wanted to keep it and hopefully pass it down.

Monday was MLK Day and we did just what the late Reverend would have wanted us to do: we went to Home Depot. The weather started getting bad outside. Many roads and bridges were iced over and the temperature was dropping. While at the HoPot we picked out tile for Maly’s bathroom and shopped light fixtures for the breakfast nook. We drove across the street to World Market for wine, kitchen seat cushions and those really friggin’ good rosemary, olive oil and sea salt potato chips.

This morning we woke up to freezing temperatures outside, frozen roads and sleet. And then there was a thud. And then there was crying. I learned something very interesting this morning. My wife can run REALLY fast.

Maly fell out of her crib. It was a heartbreaking moment. The silver lining: she was sitting up on the floor when Elise ran in to pick her up. Proportionately speaking, I would venture to guess that Maly falling out of her crib would be like me toppling from 12 feet. We don’t know how or on what she landed, but she was sitting when we got to her room. She cried a very distinct “I’m really hurt” cry – one that we’d never heard before. We were really scared but, again, she was okay.

So we all watched to news to see what was happening with the weather and if I could go to work. The weather became worse as they day progress. Freezing temperatures, rain, freezing rain, sleet and snow!

I’m really thankful to have had the extra time to spend with Maly.  We’ve had a lot of fun (sans all of the head injuries).

The weather is still nasty outside so we’ll just stay in and play.

1. Credit protection from Citi: I received a letter from Citi, who we have our credit cards through. It was a very official, important and urgent letter. Apparently there was some activity in my account that seemed fraudulent. I obviously wanted to follow up with this because 1) I don’t want unauthorized transactions on my account and 2) I don’t want to be out and about and have my card declined. I called the toll free number and was able to speak to a customer service agent fairly quickly. He inquired about the charge at a restaurant at which we ate the previous night. He inquired about the gas purchase I made that morning. He inquired about the charge I made at lunch that afternoon. Everything was legit – no fraudulent charges. He then went on to try to sell me on a credit protection program for only $9.95 per month. This would allow me to check my credit rating monthly. I didn’t bother asking if this service would help customers fix their credit scores because I don’t need it, and I told the agent as much.So I was kind of pissed that I was tricked into making a phone call about my account only to be sold to. Smart ploy and I’m sure it’ll work for some people who don’t use credit wisely. Kudos to Citi for getting an extra $120 a year from some customers but now I’ll be leary before calling Citi regarding account specific information on my account.
2. Funeral Home Direct Mailings: The funeral home where we held Dad’s memorial service sends me 9″ x 11″ packets nearly once a month now. The first package was some information on grieving as well as a condolence letter, which was nice, but still a stinging reminder. The next packet they sent me was a survey, which I thought was a good idea because they are a business that renders a service and feedback is always very valuable for the company. I dutifully filled out the survey and sent it back to them in the SASE that they provided. Tonight I had another packet in the mailbox from the funeral home. This was a form that we could fill out to make it easier on my family should Elise or I die. This form asked for information about standard life experiences like where we were born, went to school, military and work experience; things that could be put into a funeral program or announcement. I’d like to think that I’m done with that funeral home. I don’t really want correspondences from a funeral home because I don’t want to think of Elise or me dying and I’m still dealing with losing my Dad in my own way. I don’t want a business contacting me monthly reminding me of that and the logistics involved.  Great funeral home but believe me, I’ll remember everything about when Dad died. I don’t need a business card to remind me that my family was cheated.
3. Steve Jobs: I’m looking around the house, trying to find things to sell and attempting to convince my wife that we need an iPhone.

Instead of watching bowl games on TV New Years Eve, Elise and I were in the master bathroom, pulling wallpaper. There’s only one thing more fun than pulling wallpaper and that’s getting two root canals simultaneously.  By Monday night we had all of the wallpaper removed and surprisingly, my teeth felt fine.

The week flew by and Friday was quickly upon us.  Friday night started with meeting for drinks and dinner at Brentwood Tavern.  Saturday morning Elise and Christine went to our neighbor’s house for scrapbooking which, in my book, is right up there with root canals and pulling wallpaper.  Maly and I spent the better part of the day together playing and getting my iBook set to send to Elise’s parents.

Perhaps I did the Zombie Eater wrong in a previous life because while Elise was away, Maly thought it would be cool to poop every half hour or so.  In case you don’t know me, I DO NOT deal well with miniature human feces.  Or any other feces for that matter.  The advice rendered while Elise was pregnant was, “Oh, if it’s your own kid, you won’t mind poopie diapers.”  To that I say bolshy yarblockos!

Late Saturday afternoon we went to the ol’ HoPot and ordered tile for our two bathrooms.  That night I went to the Apple Bar to meet my friend David and bid him farewell as he’s moving to DC later this month.

This morning we woke up and spent the better part of the day taking down Christmas lights and decorations.  We went for lunch at Madam Mam’s and then home to finish closing out the Christmas season.

I had a dream about my Dad this morning. It was the first dream of my Dad that I remember since he died.

Dad, Mom, Elise, Maly and I were on vacation and having fun on the deck of some unbeknownst-to-me beach house off the Gulf of Mexico; somewhere where Dad had lived before or some place he wished he’d lived in the past.

We all knew that it was our last vacation before Dad was to leave us. We were all having fun despite the eminent. We were all wearing white. It was all too surreal.

I knew these were my last days with Dad. I wanted to take pictures of him so I could capture still images of the man who means the world to me.

My camera wouldn’t take pictures. I would press the shutter button and nothing would happen. I couldn’t take a photo.

I couldn’t take a photo. I wasn’t supposed to take a photo.

The Friday before last I came down with a stomach virus. The following Thursday I came down with a head and chest cold/infection. Last Monday and Tuesday I was in St. Louis where the temperatures were in the 20’s and I still haven’t recovered. I’m sick of being sick. Elise, sick herself, is feeling better than me and surprisingly Maly is doing just fine.

This past weekend has pretty much consisted of me falling asleep on the couch at 8 or 9, Elise waking me up to go to bed at midnight and then me waking up at 4 a.m. and sleeping like shit for the rest of the morning because of a hacking cough and headache.

On Saturday we got the majority of our Christmas shopping done. It doesn’t take me much more than a minute after stepping foot into a big box before I’m reminded of how figgy pudding fun it is to be among the Christmas shopping masses.

We took our sleep deprived daughter to “Luminations” at the Ladybird Johnson Wildflower Center to see all of the luminarias on display for the Christmas season.  It was cold outside and Maly was really tired because she didn’t get her afternoon nap so she was really fussy.  She cried as we scurried through the wildflower center long enough to where we could no longer convince ourselves that we were having a fun family outing.

Today we woke up, played with Maly and went for an early lunch at Nuevo Leon at Escarpment Village. So far I’m not impressed with any of the restaurants at Escarpment Village – too plain, cookie cutter and in serious lack of any form of character. Nuevo Leon looks like it was designed by someone who has never been outside of New York and was told to design a “Tex-Mex” restaurant. Mangieri’s Pizza has the same lack of charm. The newest Waterloo Icehouse, an Austin landmark opened its doors in Escarpment Village this weekend. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that when patronize that joint, we don’t feel like we’re in IKEA.

We went to the nursery this afternoon and picked out our Christmas tree. This is Maly’s first Christmas and I want it to be special for her. I know she won’t remember her first Christmas, but I want this time of year to mean something – I want her to have fond memories of being with the people she loves.

It’s 8:06 p.m. as I write this.  We’re both exhausted and almost too tired to eat dinner.

We’re watching the Planning Commission meeting on zoning and city noise ordinances on Austin’s public access television.

And for some reason TiVo is recording this meeting.

I need some fiber.