How to explain why you downloaded a virus onto your work computer

I was doing some research at the office today on the technologies that the company employs.  I wanted to see if I could crack our system.  I figured if I could exploit a vulnerability and bring it to the attention to the organization, I would be helping the company to create an even more secure product for our customers and I would be applauded, praised and handed large sums of cash, stock options and gummi bears.

So I did what any other eager, semi-new employee would do.  I downloaded a progam that would aid me in my research.  Upon downloading the zipped binaries of said program, a window popped up with a bright red Trend Micro OfficeScan banner at the top.  I immediately knew that I’d screwed up because a pop up window with a red banner screams, “You’re an Idiot and because you did this at work, we’re taking away your stapler!”   Which is funny in and of itself because, despite multiple requests for one, I don’t even have a stapler.  HA!

I’ve dealt with computer virus issues, malware, hijackware, spyware and even tupperware many, many times in the past.  For most of us the anti-virus program window pops up and says, “Hey, Slingblade, put down the biskits ‘n’ musturd and tell me that you don’t REALLY want to download this!” and then we all click the quarantine or delete button and go about our day scouring the web for photos of Britney Spears exiting a vehicle.

Instead of asking me if I wanted to quarantine or delete the virus, I was told that the system has notified our Senior Systems Administrator and he will be at my desk momentarily to kick me in the yarbles.

So I quickly decided that I needed to make my case.  I decided that it would be best if I said, in my best Slingblade impersonation, something that I’ve never thought would ever, ever pass my lips:

“You see, it started when I began my research on MD5 cryptography and rainbow tables which are, as Britney Spears recently noted, a refinement of an algorithm that uses the inversion of hashes by looking up precomputed hash chains whereas each table depends on the hash function and the reduce function used.”

Much to my surprise, our Senior Systems Administrator didn’t come stomping over to my desk.

So I decided to leave work early.