Author: Josh

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Benevolent redemption

Two weeks ago Tommy and I saw Tool‘s second leg of the 10,000 Days tour and the Frank Irwin Center in Austin. I was clueless as to a second leg until I happened upon the back cover of a local magazine the week prior to find an ad for said tour.

Despite my wife’s “why would you want to see them again when the last show sucked?”, I purchased two tickets from a guy on craigslist.

Fast-forward to the day of the show. I created a playlist in iTunes that closely resembled a Tool set list from a few nights prior and synced said playlist with my iPhone so I could be well versed for the night ahead.

Tommy met me at the bar in the OMNI lobby at 7 p.m. and we sat and had a couple drinks and caught up on each others’ lives. Quarter to nine we caught a cab that dropped us off at the entrance of the Frank Irwin Center. We had enough time to grab a couple beers at the concession stand and find our seats before the lights went down. We weren’t sure if we’d missed the opening act so we didn’t know what to expect.

The lights went down and the crowd went nuts. I guess we’d missed the opening band!

Tool did what it neglected to do the last time I spent a couple hundred bones to see a live show – they unleashed and captivated this time.

My ONLY complaint was the acoustics, but that was to be expected at the Frank Irwin Center, so it went without bother. We had awesome seats that put us behind the soundboard but with plenty of room to see the entire band and the accompanying visuals on the series of flat panel screens that adorned the stage.

I think the show was exceptionally energetic because it was the bands first U.S. stop after a six week break since returning from the European leg of their tour.

To the best of my recollection, the set list went something like this:

Jambi
“Good evening, Austin. Try not to get too drunk. We need you focused. Good to see you again!”
Stinkfist (with a funky interlude)
Forty-six & 2
Schism
Rosetta Stoned
Flood
Wings for Marie
10,000 Days
Lateralus
Vicarious

High energy, very mesmerizing and an absolute blast! I’m glad Tommy got to go with me and really happy that he had just as good (if not more) of a time as I did.

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What would have otherwised proved to have been painful

If I don’t check our mailbox at least every other day, we can’t even get into the mailbox due to the influx of junk mail and catalogs. I decided to tackle the former this evening. I prepared myself to speak with an array of disgruntled call center employees but to my surprise, every single customer service representative I spoke to was gleefully full of figgy pudding.

Tonight I unsubscribed from the following mail order catalogs…

  • Norm Thompson: I’ve never heard of nor have ever purchased from this company
  • Brookstone: I go there whenever I go to the mall so I can stay up-to-date on calf messaging technology and solar-powered robot vacuum cleaning coin counters
  • 4 Wheel Parts: We put a lift kit and big wheels on the Jeep a few years ago when we were younger and without child. If I need to put 38″ Comp Xtreme ATX Mud Annihilators and a 6 HP winch on a minivan, I’ll know where to go.
  • Harry & David: Fruit baskets, hams, candy assortments. All ChristmasHoliday stuff.
  • Tuttle: I’m not paying $39 for a pair of Italian cashmere herringbone socks. They won’t go well with my flip-flops.
  • L.L. Bean: I’d rather see a hip-hop duet with LL Cool J and Mr. Bean
  • Sahalie: No clue.

But the best part was talking to the nice folks on the other end of the phone. They were genuinely polite and friendly. And the funny thing is while I was searching for catalog codes and customer IDs, I would find items that I liked in the catalogs.

So I shouldn’t be getting anymore catalogs from these companies, but I’m really looking forward to getting my Revolutionary Self Propelling Tempur-Pedic house slippers with the built-in ViAir gauge and compressor!

And I can’t wait to pry the mail out of the mailbox tomorrow evening so I can call more folks tomorrow!

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When the robots have won

An actual conversation overheard this past weekend at the Home Depot:

Self Service Point of Sale Robot: “Eighty six dollars and fifty nine cents”

Human: < 'Finish & Pay' button>

SSPoSR: “Are you using a gift card?”

Human: < 'No' button>

SSPoSR: “Do you have any coupons?”

Human: < 'No' button>

SSPoSR: “Would you like to purchase an extended service plan?”

Human: “…”

SSPoSR: “?”

Human: “…”

SSPoSR: “Would you like to purchase an extended service plan?”

Human: “ON A F***ING CHRISTMAS TREE???!!!”

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Monthly Maly Letter: Month 19

Dear Maly,

You turned 19-months-old today. The past four weeks have flown by so quickly and has left me pondering all that has happened since my last letter to you. Regardless, you grow to be more fascinating and even more beautiful every single day. I love watching your grow, but the older you get, the faster time seems to fly by.

I think your coolest milestone this month has been the new faces you have learned to make. You now have a sad face, where you purse your bottom lip and drop your eyebrows. You have your surprised face, where you lift your eyebrows as high as they’ll go while flaring your nostrils. And you have your angry face, where you crinkle your nose, lower your eyebrows and crinkle your forehead. Often times when you’re eating, you’ll deliberately employ all of your emotional expressions which clearly indicates that you’re definitely your mother’s daughter and, quite possibly, schizophrenic.

We spent a weekend at your Grandma’s house this weekend. While your mom was getting ready to take Fall photos of you in the front yard, something bit you on the palm of your hand. At first we didn’t think much of it. I somewhat resolved that a fire ant had stung you. An hour later you were still crying in pain. We had no idea what had stung you and had hurt you so badly. Your mom and I both worried that maybe a brown recluse or black widow had stung you. We didn’t see fang marks, so we somewhat set ourselves at ease. It wasn’t until we got back to our house in Austin that the redness on your palm has cleared and we could make out a series of stinger marks on your hand. It was then that we determined that you had been stung by an asp.


The fear of not knowing is what I have learned to be one of the greatest fears for me as your father. I want to be able to fix the wrongs in life for you, and if I don’t know what those wrongs are, I feel useless. Now I know that an asp will hurt you and from here on out, I give you my word that I will forever rid your path of any asps. You can find comfort in knowing that you can go into the fourth grade and when you’re to tell the class what your father does for a living, you can say, “My daddy kicks asp”. And then I’ll have to pay for your speech therapy.

Your uncle Eric came down from Des Moines to spend five days with us this month. Your uncle Eric really loves you and I’m thankful that you’re able to spend time with your extended family. Two extremely valuable things that you learned from Eric during his stay here were “booger” and “danger”. Danger is a good word because now instead of saying, “MALY, NOOOOO!!”, we can say, “Maly, be careful. Daaaaanger!” And then you’ll know that you should stop whatever it is that you’re doing that your mom and I deem as dangerous, and immediately stick your finger into one of your nostrils.

Just this past week you did something that was very cute, yet very frustrating in the same breath. I was taking a shower when you came up to the glass shower door with my eye glasses. You said, “DADDY!! Eyes.” You call my glasses “eyes”.


I said, “Thank you, sugar. Can you please go put Daddy’s eyes on his nightstand?” And you immediately trucked off into the direction of my side of the bed. I went back to bathing myself and proudly thought of my bright young daughter who understands her dad and takes his direction well. It wasn’t until I had finished showering, brushed my teeth and my hair when I walked to the nightstand to put my glasses on. I couldn’t find my glasses where I had instructed you to leave them.

“Maly, where are Daddy’s eyes?” I asked.

You gave me a blank stare. I then looked down at the floor and saw the ear piece of my glasses poking out from underneath one of the throw pillows. I bent down to pick up my glasses and came up with only the ear piece. You had managed to successfully break my glasses.

So Daddy’s eyes are now off limits for you for the time being.

Regardless, I love you today more than ever. I miss you while I’m at work and while you’re asleep at night. I love checking on you before I go to bed and night. I softly rub your head and whisper that I love you. I cherish those moments more than you’ll ever know.

I love you, Sugar.

Love,

Daddy

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links for 2007-11-14

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The good and the not-so-good in cooking

Dinner on Sunday:

Coriander and ancho rubbed smoked pork tenderloin stuffed with beef, pork and serrano tamale with a raspberry, chipotle and pomegranate beer blanc. Yukon, yam and adobo garlic mashers and young green beans wrapped in prosciutto, rested in a reconstituted fig and balsamic reduction.

Dinner on Monday:

Yes, those are pork rind nachos. For those of us “in the know,” we refer to them as “prachos”. Or, pretty much just plain gross. Culinary endeavor strike #231.

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Ms. Sandman

Dear Maly,

I usually write a letter to you on around the 15th of every month. I just couldn’t wait this time around. You have changed so much in just the past few days and I couldn’t resist the urge to convey the whirlwind of emotions that your mom and I have experienced recently.

As always, you’re the smoochy poochie sweet pea that that we pride ourselves in having created. We outwardly brag about you and impose upon complete strangers all that is ever-so-cute about you. I parade you about restaurants and stores with you high upon my shoulders. We indulge in your every whim. We hold you above all else.

Now I think you’re old enough to where I can ask a favor of you.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND REQUIRES SLEEP, PLEASE GO BACK TO BED!!!!!!!!!!

Ever since the end of Daylight Savings Time, you’ve started waking up at 5 a.m. Today was Saturday. Daddy would like to sleep in on Saturday. For a year and a half thus far you have allowed Daddy to sleep in if he needs to.

It will be a few years before you can appreciate what a Saturday is. I think I’m going to wait 12 years before I get you back. When you’re 14-years-old, I’m going to wake up at 5 a.m. on a Saturday, walk into your room in a pair of pink unitard pajamas and with hair disheveled, defecate myself and start crying while holding meowing cat.

And then your girlfriend’s from school who stayed over the night prior for a slumber party will wake up screaming. The neighbors will call the cops because terrified teenage girls will be stumbling over themselves in attempt to vacate the house and there will be me, standing in the doorway in a pink unitard emanating the stench of feces with my comb-over hanging to one side of my head.

The cops will ask, “Mr. Janicek, what happened?!?!”

It will be at that moment when I point to you and reply with a smile, “The end of Daylight Savings Time”

And the adults will all laugh, I’ll mow the lawn and you’ll go to school on Monday and have no friends.

So, please go back to bed, Sugar.

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The end of Daylight Savings Time and the joys it brings

  • Instead of the cat waking up at 5 a.m., meowing incessantly to let us out, he now starts the meowing at 4 a.m.
  • Maly wakes up an hour earlier
  • It’s dark when I leave the office in the evenings
  • The already shitty drivers in Austin who normally, during daylight savings time, drive 5 miles below the posted speed limit in the left lane now drive 10 miles below the speed limit. You know, because it’s dark and all.
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Recent vice

This is me playing Metallica’s “One” on Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock for the first time on hard mode…

[flv width=”400″ height=”300″]http://www.janicek.com/video/20071030_One.flv[/flv]

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Weekend at Mom’s and the onset of another anxiety attack

We left for Mom’s house early Friday afternoon and arrived in time to head over to Crossroads for fried catfish. After dinner we came home and I bathed Maly and Elise put her to bed. The rest of the night we watched TV and talked before going to bed.

On Saturday morning we woke up early and met Don and Linda at Tony’s in Sealy (a pretty good truck stop diner that I’m surprised I had never set foot into in the 8 years that I lived in Austin county) for breakfast. After breakfast Don and Linda headed on to Kyle for a family member’s wedding. The girls and I went to the new Wal-Mart in Sealy just to check out the new Wal-Mart in Sealy.

We got back to Mom’s house and put Maly down for a nap. Elise mowed the lawn while I ripped out landscape timbers that line the driveway and replaced them with new landscape timbers. I quickly came to the realization that I’ve become a city boy. After only a couple hours of “country work”, my hands were getting red and blistered, my legs were wobbly and my back ached.

Mom took Maly on a tractor ride and to look at the cows. We had roasted venison with veggies for dinner. We watched “Scary Movie” that evening and Mom turned in early. Elise and I stayed up and watched SNL (she fell asleep half way through) and went to bed at midnight.

This morning I went out to the driveway to remove all of the old nails from the landscape timbers. Maly came out and sat on my old skateboard and rode up and down the driveway while exclaiming, “da weee!”

When I was finally done with my landscape timber project, I took a shower and got dressed for our photos. Elise and I had planned on taking pictures to be used for our Christmas cards this year. Unfortunately by the time the camera was set and angled on the tripod and we were positioned on the swing that hangs from the huge oak in Mom’s yard, Maly switched into “it’s getting time to take a nap” mode. She didn’t want to sit still for a family photo. So we put her on the ground and let her play with the swing. She pushed the swing back and forth. At one point she stopped and started rubbing her hands together. Then she started to cry. Then she started crying uncontrollably and inconsolably.

Elise took her inside, thinking that Maly was just being cranky and needed to take a nap. Maly tried to go to sleep but again started crying in pain. Elise got Maly out of bed and tried to console her to no avail. Maly just kept crying in pain and rubbing her hands together. We looked at Maly’s hand and her index finger and palm were red and swollen. He forearm started to turn red as well. I nonchalantly FREAKED OUT on the inside and watched as Elise tried to comfort our daughter. Grandma provided momentary relief by giving Maly some homemade frozen yogurt. I went out to the swing with fingers crossed that I wouldn’t find a brown recluse or black widow spider underneath the swing. Thankfully I found neither. I did see a couple fire ants at the base of the oak tree and internally resolved that Maly just got stung by a rabid fire ant. In the meantime, Elise and Mom gave Maly some Benadryl, which seemed to help a little after half an hour of crying.

We decided to forego letting Maly take a nap at Grandma’s and instead had a quick, late lunch and then packed up and headed back to Austin. Maly slept almost the entire way home (which is very rare).

When we got home, we did our normal nightly ritual of dinner and a bath. Just before Maly’s bath, we were able to finally see Maly’s injury. She had a series of six or seven little bit marks in a very concentrated area of her palm just before where her index finger starts.

That’s when my anxiety attack started. What the hell kind of insect leaves bites like that?!? I knew that it couldn’t have been fire ants. Fire ant bites wouldn’t be that concentrated.

Right now we’re thinking she was stung by an asp. We’re pretty certain it was an asp, but not 100%. The not knowing is what is stressing me out. It’s the hearing my daughter cry in pain for nearly an hour because something stung her. It’s my anxiety that’s got the best of me – we put Maly down half and hour ago I can’t get the notion out of my head that she’s going to have an allergic reaction and go into anaphylactic shock at 3 a.m.

All-in-all, we had a great weekend. I’m just not going to sleep well tonight…

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Monthly Maly Letter: Month 18

Dear Maly,

You turned 18-months-old this week. You’ve been with us for a year and a half now. It’s amazing that a whole year and a half have flown by. It seems like just last week you were taking your first steps when really that was over six months ago. And every night when I check on you before I go to bed I remember the first night after we brought you home from the hospital and how I spent that evening wondering how our lives were going to change. Since you’ve been with us, life has been nothing short of great.

But with the great comes the bad and the things that nobody likes to do. On Monday your Mom and I took you to the doctor for your 18-month checkup. As usual, you passed with flying colors, including the fact that you’re in the 95% percentile for head size. You have a big noggin. It’s a perfectly shaped and beautiful head, but your body is yet to catch up.

At the end of the doctor’s visit it was time for your booster and flu vaccination. As instructed I sat you on the edge of the examination table with your legs hanging over the edge. The nurse leaned her thighs into your legs to prevent you from kicking. Then I got my hated second set of instructions: to hold your arms down. The nurse proceeded to remove the cap from the booster vaccine and quickly jab it deeply into your left thigh. You immediately screamed and tears quickly started streaming down both sides of your face and onto the table just below your ears. I winced and let up on your arms enough so you could feel as if you had some form of retaliation strength. You cried and screamed. The nurse then removed the cap from the flu vaccine syringe and as quickly as the first, jabbed the needle into your right thigh. You jerked, shrieked, screamed and in a fleeting moment you caught my eye and gave me a look that said, “Daaaaaaddy, how could you EVER let this happen to me?!?!”


The nurse couldn’t put the little Tweety Bird band aids on you quick enough. The moment the second one was on your leg, I scooped you up and pressed you as close as I could to my chest and just started talking to you, trying to distract you from the pain.

I went on to work that morning and couldn’t stop thinking about you all day. Not that I don’t think about you all day, but on this particular day I couldn’t wait to come home and hold you again. I wanted to physically be near you so I could protect you and apologize again for having to let you get hurt. Of course by the time I got home that evening, you were completely normal and had forgotten about your morning of being a pin cushion.

This past month you got to ride a horse for the first time. You and your mom stayed at Grandma’s for a few days while Daddy was in New York on a business trip. One afternoon Grandma, Momma and you visited Tim and Wanda. Wanda took you on a horse ride and, from what I was told, you had a blast. I’m looking forward to the next time we go to visit Grandma because hopefully we can go to Tim and Wanda’s house and I can get to see you ride a horse.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever made mention of your teeth to you in the past. Your Mom suggested that I mention your teeth in this month’s letter. Maly, you have teeth. Eight of them to be exact. Well, I’m sure you have more, but they just haven’t managed to start piercing through your gum line to create an ever-flowing river of snot from your nose and a pain-induced crabby attitude that will most likely leave your mother and I wondering if we should have paid for the extended warranty on you.

Eight teeth. Eight teeth that I have a hell of a time trying to brush. For me, brushing your teeth is about as easy as a three-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen pond. Your Mom seems to have a good system. I’m sort of of the thinking, “I’ll try as best I can, but if I can’t I can fall back on her mom.” Plus, the way I figure it, you’re just going to lose those teeth anyway. And the way that I let you play it’s a miracle you haven’t already knocked a tooth or two out.

One of your most recent past times has been spinning in circles. Just tonight your Mom and I stood in the kitchen and watched you spin and spin in a counter-clockwise circle to the point where you fell forward, bonked your head on the refrigerator door’s edge which then launched you onto your back on the kitchen tile. Then you tried to get up and you fell again. Once you regained your balance, you stood up and just started spinning again. You’re funny like that.

A couple of weeks ago your Mom and I took you to a local neighborhood park. We were lucky in that we had the whole park to ourselves. We watched you as you played on the springy horse, the see-saw, the swings and the merry-go-round. But the playground ride that you liked the most is what you excitedly and affectionately refer to as, “Da Wee”. The rest of us know “da wee” as a slide. You call it “da wee” because whenever you go down the slide your Mom and I both say, “Weeee!” as you descend.

Hearing you say “da wee” has got to be one of my favorite things that you say. Your excitement invigorates me. But in the same breath it makes me scared and sad. Scared and sad that before I know it a slide down da wee won’t captivate you enough. Da wee will be borrowing Daddy’s car just so you can get out of the house to be with your friends instead of Momma and me. In the meantime, I embrace every moment I have with you as I watch you grow and enjoy life behind such an innocent and beautiful smile.

I think the milestone that sticks out the most in my mind this month is kisses and hugs. Nothing melts my heart more than when you give me a kiss and then you throw your arms around my neck. Which is usually followed by, “Oosh?!? Bah bye!!” Which is your way of saying, “Get my shoes, I’m going to work with Daddy!” So, having to leave for work in the mornings has been really hard for me the past month. I generally make it a point to forget something in the house just so I have to come back into the kitchen and get another kiss from you.

There’s just some unwritten, unfathomable pride to having a daughter. The bond I have with you is amazing. There are no words to describe it. I cherish each and every moment I have with you. I cherish you now at 18-months and I will cherish you the same at 18-years and even then beyond yours and my scope of existence.

I love you, Sugar.

Love,

Daddy