Author: Josh

I remember when I was a little kid and dad would let me sit on his lap and let me “drive.”

[flv width=”500″ height=”375″]http://www.janicek.com/video/20100610_lapcruising.mp4[/flv]

I was having dinner at the fine Schobel’s Restaurant in Columbus, TX with my daughter, mother, niece and her fiance when the topic of desserts came into our conversation.

Niece: “I was looking at their dessert menu and nothing really sounded good.”

Me: “You know what’s awesome for dessert?”

“What?”

“A concoction that I created once myself.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“Bacon ice cream served in a bacon bowl and topped with chocolate covered bacon.”

“Bacon ice cream?!”

“Yes. It’s really quite good.”

“I’ve heard about chocolate covered bacon, and that sounds really good. I’d eat chocolate covered bacon. But bacon ice cream?!”

“Yes. Trust me, it’s awesome. I call it ‘TUBS: The Ultimate Bacon Sundae'”

“So, do you sprinkle it with gummy worms, too?”

“No. That’s just gross.”

The joke:

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Banana.”

“Banana who?”

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Banana.”

“Banana who?”

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Banana.”

“Banana who?”

“Knock knock.”

“WHO’S THERE?!”

“Orange.”

“Orange who?”

“Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again?”

The Zombie Eater version:

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Banana.”

“Banana who?”

“Orange banana don’t you say so!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Here’s a playlist of 20 songs that I put together to put me in my happy place.

1. Beautiful Day – U2
2. No Woman No Cry – Bob Marley
3. Feelin’ This – Blink 182
4. Come Sail Away – Styx
5. Turn! Turn! Turn! – The Byrds
6. A Small Victory – Faith No More
7. Party Hard – Andrew W.K.
8. Top of the World – Carpenters
9. Don’t Worry Be Happy – Bobby McFerrin
10. I’ll Tumble 4 Ya – Boy George & Culture Club
11. Feeling Good – Muse
12. American Pie – Don McLean
13. Empire State of Mind – Jay-Z Ft. Alicia Keys
14. Could You Be Loved – Bob Marley
15. I’m A Believer – The Monkees
16. Walking on Sunshine – Katrina & the Waves
17. Do You Realize? – The Flaming Lips
18. I Can See Clearly Now – Jimmy Cliff
19. A Beautiful Morning – The Rascals
20. Three Little Birds – Bob Marley

Yes, I realize many of them have significant cheese factor, but hey, they work for me. And yes, there are three songs from Bob up there, but that’s how I roll. What’s in your list of pick-me-up songs?

Tonight Maly and I read all 26 little books from her alphabet collection before bed. When we got to the “I” book, there is a page that has a clipart picture of a guy sitting at a desk before a computer on a island out in the deep blue ocean.

“What’s that, Sugar?”

“I don’t know.”

“It’s where daddy would love to be.”

“Mexico?”

“You. Are. Awesome.”

Last night Elise and I went on date #1 of our Ten Great Dates, a program that Elise signed us up for through her church. Like all functions, programs, standing, kneeling, sitting, tithing, kneeling, standing, sitting and standing that are sanctioned by the church, I went in to this experience with an open mind.

Our class started with all 39 couples sitting in the church’s little auditorium. After our program leader put away the levitating serpents, we watched a short film starring the fine couple, David and Claudia Arp, who, together, started the Marriage Alive program back in the early 70’s when the free love movement was nearing its end and being replaced by things like capitalism, disco and monounsaturated trans fats. In this film we were told that with the help of mild sedatives and Sade’s 1984 hit album “Diamond Life”, we could re-energize our marriage.

Our first class was quick and it allowed us to rip out not one, but two perforated pages from our “10 Great Dates” owner’s manual. These pages were our respective “Date One Exercise” worksheets – one for him and one for her. On these pages were the series of the same 11 questions. We hopped into our love wagon and drove over to the local interior Mexican restaurant for dinner, and to see if we could score some sedatives from the bus boy.

As we waited for our dinner, we filled out our respective worksheets. We wrote down our memories of things such as:

• First time I saw my mate
• First date
• First kiss
• Favorite dates
• First time we talked about getting married
• Wedding day
• First home
• First anniversary
• Most romantic moments
• Happiest memories

Elise reflected and reminisced in detail in most of her answers, while most of my answers consisted of a simple “yes” or “beer!”

The best part of the date was just being able to get away and focus on rekindling our relationship while knowing that our only offspring was safe, handling mosquitos the size of Labradoodles, under close supervision during a summer twilight in Texas.

It was fun to remind each other of important and exciting events that we’d experienced, arm in arm, in the past. For example, Elise reminded me that we were married in “SEPTEMBER!”

Three Pepsis and an hour later, we found ourselves back in the church parking lot along with the other parents who also didn’t know what to do with one another for an entire two hours.

So we loaded up the child, drove home and prank called the David and Claudia Arp house until 1 a.m. Elise blames it on the Pepsi. I blame it on the re-energizing.

In the almost 9 years that I’ve been married I have finally learned, after repeated reminding, that women need one thing: security. And by security they mean “health insurance.” This is especially true after offspring have entered the picture. Before we had a child, the only thing my wife needed was a man with hair and washboard abs; neither of which I had, but I did have health insurance.

If our child were to break her arm today, the only thing we would have after paying medical bills would be a stinky cast. Long gone are the days when one could trade a plump hen or a bushel of earthworms for the town’s doctor to set a broken bone. In my research I discovered that in the early 1800’s, 20 tablets of 30mg Viagra would set you back just a jar of canned peaches. I am clearly a man before my times.

In order for there to be “security,” we need one of two things: a job that provides group medical benefits to its indentured servants or independent medical coverage which, for a family of three healthy humans, will cost us approximately $6,279.98 per hour. I say approximately because insurance rates are calculated daily based on prime plus an arbitrary number that sounds official to lobbyists and special interest groups.

If I had a job working for a corporate employer, I would run the risk of losing my sanity, but thankfully I’d have health insurance which would cover up to 50% of sanitarium service expenses and monthly bedpan replacements! My wife would have to sift through the daily “THIS IS NOT A BILL” bills from the insurance company which indicate that antibiotics for an ear infection fall into the “Full Cranial Transplant” category, which is only covered in the event that said transplant occurs on a Wednesday during a month that contains the letter “Y”.

Or we could just get independent health insurance. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

The one thing that I’ve learned about myself in the past few years is that I appreciate and aspire to live a simpler, saner life. I think this could easily be achieved by moving to a Pacific coast town in Mexico with little more than my family and my trusty laptop. We would all learn to speak fluent Spanish, fish in the deep blue, study ocean conservation and explore the regions and cuisines. I’d setup some kind of some kind of U.S.-based online business, or write a weekly newspaper column, to earn US dollars while living on pesos. If I had to guess, I would think my wife would love to become a teacher or a nurse. Our daughter would become increasingly popular by telling her jokes to the locals about farts and email. Surplus cash (above food, clothes, investments, savings, fishing lures and guitar strings) would go to charities. I’d setup my own health insurance plan where Richard Branson, Keanu Reeves, Sammy Hagar and I would charter a jet full of highly skilled Mexican doctors and fly to the U.S. to help sick children without insurance.

As far as security, Mexican health care in medium to large cities is considered very good to excellent, and very affordable.

As far as sanity, I like to re-read this story and daydream about catching dorado and laughing. Laughing a lot.

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.

Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.”

The American then asked, “Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?”

The Mexican said, “With this I have more than enough to support my family’s needs.”

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15 to 20 years.”

“But what then?” asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said that’s the best part. “When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”

“Millions?…Then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

[flv width=”500″ height=”375″]http://www.maly.tv/video/20100604_yourefired.mp4[/flv]

Maly: “Do you like hot peppers?”
Me: “Yes”
Maly: “Well, you don’t need to cry about it.”

Today I went to the South Austin Social Media, Marketing, Ecommerce Lunch that’s put on my buddy Robert. I’d missed the first few lunches because of work conflicts and nowadays I need to engage in as many networking opportunities as I possibly can.

There was no agenda or presentation for today’s luncheon; just a get-together for like-minded folks. I found myself sitting with and really enjoying the company of two guys, Ronnie and Kyle. They run a company that sells hookas. Yes, hookahs. Robert, Ronnie and I were the first ones who arrived at Opal Devines for the luncheon. When Ronnie told me what he did for a living, I instinctively made a drug dealer joke. In hindsight, that was probably a stupid joke. He didn’t seem bothered by it though.

I know absolutely nothing about hookahs, so I was very inquisitive. It was really cool to hear how Ronnie and his brother started the business 10 years ago and today he employs 30 people in his south Austin fulfillment center. Ronnie started out by traveling to Palestine to visit family and returning to the states with hookahs for his friends. From there, the rest is history. Without getting ALL the details, it seems like a relatively simple story. He focused on something that he knew and enjoyed and built a successful business around it.

It wasn’t exactly the interaction I was expecting but, then again, I didn’t know what to expect going into the luncheon. And although it wasn’t expected, it was a great conversation and an opportunity for me to learn about a very successful, niche business, and meet a couple really nice guys to boot.

Maly and I went to the grocery store this evening. I showed her the “parts” section in the refrigerated department.

“Look, May, pigs feet!”

“Blech!!”

“Oh, and check this out. This is a cow’s tongue!”

“Ewwwww!!”

“…”

“Daddy?”

“Yeah, Sug?”

“When they cut out the tongue, does the cow die?”

“No, she just talks funny.”

CEO: “How many pieces of unsolicited inbox clutter did we deliver to the NYC segment?”
Jeff: “Ummm, let me look.”
CEO: “…”
Jeff: “It looks like 8,475 were delivered.”
CEO: “WHAT?!? We don’t even have 8,000 unknowing recipients in our database to which to send our pieces of unsolicited inbox clutter, you ****ING MORON!!!” I added that last part, but given the nature of the conversation, it wouldn’t have shocked me in the slightest had he said it.
Jeff: “Oh. Hang on, let me double check.”
CEO: “…”
Jeff: “Ah. I accidentally transposed the NYC and LA numbers. We sent 4,938 pieces of unsolicited inbox clutter to the NYC segment.”
CEO: “That sounds better.”
Jeff: “Sorry about that.”
CEO: “I celebrate your ineptitude.”

The above was an actual conversation. And that was the day where the straw broke the camel’s back. Later that day I had a somewhat unrelated conversation with my boss where we collectively determined that the job I’d originally accepted had become non-existent.

I’d accepted a leadership position with this new company on March 10th, and put in my resignation with my former employer the same day. A week later, my soon-to-be employer was listed on Spamhaus. Without going into great detail, getting listed on Spamhaus is heart attack serious. Ask any reputable ESP and they’ll more than likely just respond with an, “Oh, fudge. Sorry.” And then they’ll hang up. Since I was going to be charged with heading up the email efforts of this company, I inquired about the Spamhaus listing and what needed to be done, even though I hadn’t even officially started working for the company. I was told that “the problem is currently being addressed.” The CEO called my cell phone at 8 a.m. the next morning, assuring me that the company had never been listed on Spamhaus before, and to not worry.

Prior to my start date, the company was removed from the Spamhaus blocklist.

After my second day with the company, they were listed on Spamhaus again.

For the remainder of my first week, there was no email to be sent because of the Spamhaus listing. No leads to generate for clients. Nothing for my staff or me to do other than look for “a band aid” so we could send email. I couldn’t find a “reputable” band aid because they all required our opt-in source(s). I even called in favors from friends in the industry: “The company’s on Spamhaus?! Fudge.”

Since there was no work for the better part of the week, I was charged with reducing headcount. I barely knew the folks that were reporting to me and I had to reduce staff by 44% after my having been employed for only 5 days.

Since then, the company has employed a “don’t ask, don’t tell” email marketing service, and was working on outsourcing its sending servers overseas at the time where I left.

I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t adding value. I wasn’t at fault. I was fired. There wasn’t a fit and the company and I parted on amicable terms.

So, I’m looking for a new job. If you, or anyone you know is looking for a Josh Janicek, let me know.

Happy 4th Birthday, Sugar!