A little love lost

When the doctor said, “Well… this is what I’m seeing”, I knew something was not okay.

Elise, Maly and I went to our first obstetrician appointment yesterday. It had been a little over two months since finding out that we were pregnant. Seeing how Elise is in good health and our first pregnancy yielded a happy, healthy Maly, we figured this would be true with this pregnancy.

The doctor went on to show us the yolk sack, and then she measured the embryo. It was then when told us that it looks like it stopped developing at 6 weeks. Elise was 9 weeks pregnant. The way we both heard it was in layperson’s terms: our second baby died.

Elise immediately fell to tears. I was holding Maly in my right arm and I could feel her aura transform into fear and confusion as she witnessed a machine that was being used on her mother by the doctor, and ultimately caused sadness and crying. My heart sank and a lump formed in my throat. Nothing hurts me more than seeing my wife hurting. And the fact that I’d just learned that what would have been our second child didn’t make it.

We were both in shock. I don’t think the thought had crossed our minds that we would receive bad news from this appointment. I remember talking and laughing on the way to the doctor’s office. We were listening to Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley in the car. I remember smiles from each other in the waiting room. It was a fun and exciting time for us. It was meant to be the confirmation of the conception and the setting of the next appointment and ultrasound. It wasn’t supposed to be an appointment to talk about a miscarriage or worse, the possibility of a D&C.

Our doctor wants us to come back in two weeks for another ultrasound to check for potential growth. I guess this means that maybe the doctor could be wrong. In the meantime, Elise has been searching the web for answers. She has found a couple forums where women have been told that their baby stopped developing, only to later find out that the baby was, in fact, still developing – essentially a false positive. This was the case involving a tilted uterus, which Elise also has, and what I will be naming my next band. And I will probably rot in hell for even trying to make light of this subject.

So there is hope. I have come to terms with the notion that this pregnancy may have ended. I also have hope and am inspired by my beautiful bride’s hope. I am also frustrated, probably not as much as Elise, in the unknowing. I’m frustrated that I can’t absorb the pain of a potential miscarriage or a D&C. If I could, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t and that’s part of what’s frustrating. So now it’s a waiting game. We wait two weeks for our next appointment or we wait for a miscarriage.

I know Elise is emotionally drained. And I know it’s been hard as she’s been suffering from fatigue and morning sickness over the past few weeks. These were signs that we thought indicated a healthy pregnancy.

So, life has been pretty rough this week so far. My girls and I are doing okay. We have each other, and that’s what matters most to us.