Pillowy Uterus for Members Only

Today we went to the Sam’s Club after work because Donald Trump says it’s THE BEST place to shop. He shops there. He says it’s a great place for small business owners to purchase consumables and we really needed either 1) Tommy Bahama XXXL factory rejected shirts or 2) a new battery for the Jeep.

We bought the battery and two slices of greasy gourmet pizza.

While attempting to leave the Sam’s Club we were approached by the the Exit Door Nazi. She didn’t bother checking my receipt or the one item in the cart. Instead she took my receipt, dragged the tip of her highlighter pen across the folded piece of paper, onto her palm and engaged 1.5 of us in a conversation that was prefaced with “I was a labor and delivery nurse for twenty years…”

I was half-way out the door and recollect her speaking of “a uterus that was as hard as a rock” after a cesarean section birth and nanoseconds later hearing of a uterus that was “as soft as a pillow” after vaginal birth.

Without engaging in actual physical contact she told Elise that her uterus was as soft as a pillow and that we will have a beautiful baby.

I’m wholeheartedly confident that we’ll have a beautiful baby but damn, if I could predict a pillowy uterus, just think of the money I could make with branding.

“Bob likes a firm uterus, that’s why he sets his to 48. I like a soft uterus that forms to my bladder and will promote healthy effacement, that’s why I set my uterus at 93.”

Pillowy Uterus would be a great name for a rock band. Or a small business looking to buy in bulk and sell at a 52.4% margin with promotional factory rejected XXXL Tommy Bahama shirts.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.