1st time homeowner revelation #453

I received my property tax receipt in the mail today. If that’s not justifaction to procreate, I don’t know what is.

Austin ISD: A ton of money
City of Austin: A crap load of money
Travis County: Lotsa cashola
Hospital District: Not chump change
ACC (Travis): Eh – a semi-pretty penny

So we’ll have a child. I would assume this would happen in a hospital. My tax dollars went to the Hospital District. Then we’ll send mini me to school. A LOT of our money went there. Then mini me will become a juvenile delinquent. He’ll go to a correctional facility (that we’re paying for handsomely). He’ll whittle a knife out of a bar of soap, stab his cellmate and then be transported to the higher security county facility. Might as well… I paid for it. He’ll eventually be rehabilitated at the age of 38. It will be then that we can proudly send him passing through the ivory towers of the university – er, the community college. We paid for it.

Life is starting to make a lot of sense now.

Grand Dragon J

I was getting ready to go to work yesterday. I walked to my truck and noticed that I had four quarts of used oil in the bed of my truck from when I changed my oil last week. I decided that I didn’t want old quarts of oil in my truck, so I took them, along with the old oil filter and walked them to the garage. In doing so, I spilled oil all over the floor of the garage.

I used the rest of my gasoline from our gas containers to wipe up the spilled oil. I put the gas cans in the back of my truck so I could fill them when I stopped to get gas on the way to work.

I went to work. After work, I went to Tae Kwon Do. When I leave Tae Kwon Do, I always keep my dobok on while driving home. I got home, got out of the truck and grabbed my two gas cans. Just as I grabbed the two bright red gas cans, my neighbor pulled into his driveway. Both of my hands were occupied carrying gas cans. I lifted one of my arms in a waving gesture to greet my neighbor (who happens to be a black man). It was then that I realized what it looked like I was doing. I laughed at myself and went inside.

Tossing the mail key

John and Christine came over tonight for the first time since Jack was born. I was laughing (at myself, by myself – as usual) the other day when I was recounting the day that Jack was born. I left work early because I knew that Elise and I would be going to the hospital that afternoon. I pulled onto the street that enters our subdivision. I decided to pull over and check the mail (we have one of those community mailbox centers). I opened our mailbox to find the mail and a key. The key was for one of the larger mailboxes that the postal service uses should you receive a large package via the USPS.

Just as I grabbed the key, my cell phone rang. It was John. He said “Dude, I have a boy!” It was at that point that I was filtering my mail. One hand held mail. The other hand held junk mail. My shoulder was holding my cell phone against my ear. I went to throw away the junk mail and accidentally threw the mail key into the trash. I was trying to maintain some sort of enthusiasm while hearing the news of my nephew’s birth while juggling two handfuls of mail and digging through the trash while other residents of the neighborhood were stopping to get their mail.

I was just reminded of that and thought it was funny.

Microsoft AntiSpyware crashes on first go

I hate spyware, adware, malware and tomatoes.

I’m a huge advocate of preventing malicious software that can be installed on a Windows computer without users’ knowledge. I urge friends and family to use Firefox as their web browser, Thunderbird as their e-mail client or to purchase a Macintosh.

I’ve become well versed in scanning and removing malicious software by means of Ad-Aware and Spybot-S&D.

When Microsoft released its Beta AntiSpyware software, I downloaded it. It crashed. Go figure.



We need to talk about your flare

I was recently thinking about jobs I’ve had in the past. The first job I had upon passing the ivory towers of the university was a telemarketer for the Texas Department of Public Safety Officers Association (TDPSOA).

NOTE: If you receive a phone call from someone taking donations for the TDPSOA, hang up. If you’d like to donate to the peace officers (or firefighters or any other public service organization) you can donate directly.

So my telemarketing job was rather monotonous. I did well at this job but after six weeks or so, I decided to spice things up a little. I used to call people and the conversation would go something like this:

Person eating dinner: “Hello?”
Person eating dinner: “Hello?!…”
Person eating dinner: “HELLLLOOO?!!!!!!!”
Josh: “Hello! Mr. Jack Kerblashulsnuckitz?” [Actual pronounciation: Smith. All telemarketers are required to butcher your name]
PED: “This is him.”
Josh: “Hi Mr. Kerblashulsnuckitz, this is Josh Janicek with the Texas…”
PED: “Actually, it’s Smith. Mr. Smith.”
Josh: “Right. How are you doing this evening Mr. Smitherblashulsnuckitz?”
PED: [Sighs] “Fine.”
Josh: “My name is Josh Janicek and I’m calling on behalf of the Texas Department of Public Safety Officers Assocation and the reason for this phone call is that the DPSOA is needing some help this year…”

And I’d go on with my pitch. Fifty percent were naive and gave me their information so I could send them ‘something’. The other half screamed and cussed and told me where I could put my phone.

Employees couldn’t deviate from the script. I noticed the high turnover in this telemarketing cube farm so I decided to make my job more fun. I did so in adopting aliases because nobody bothered to know anyone’s name.

PED: “HELLLLOOOOO?!?!?….”
Josh: “Hi Mr. Uzbekistan. My name is Mike McCready.” (Guitar player from Pearl Jam)

The guy in the cubicle next to me overheard my conversation and snickered.

I overheard his next phone call.

PED: “Hello?”
Guy in next cube: “Hi Mrs. Jones, this is Ronnie James Dio.” (Singer for Dio)

This went on and on. We tried to out-do each other all day with obscure rock star telemarketing alter egos.

One day one of the managers came to talk to me. The managers were the guys who wore headsets and walked about the cube farm. They wore headsets so they could listen in on our telmarketing phone calls. This particular manager came and sat down next to me to tell me how great of a job I was doing.

He said: “Now Mike, you’re doing a great job. There are some areas we can work on, but all-in-all, great job. Mike, how do you spell you last name? Is it McKreedy?”

I couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear. Not because I was being recognized for doing good work, but because I had to tell him how to spell McCready – my alter ego and the guitar player for Pearl Jam.

At 5 O’clock when the siren sounded and the work day was over, the managers always gave us a pep talk. On this particular day, my manager said: “And congratulations to Mike McCready for getting top sales today!”

I turned beet red. Everyone clapped.

Ronnie James Dio sat at his cubicle, looked directly at me and laughed his ass off.

Christmas 2004

Christmas of this year has come and gone. I just couldn’t get into the mood this year. Perhaps it snuck up on me. Perhaps I’m getting older and grumpier. Anyhow, it’s over and I wanted to write about it before I have to get up from here to run out and purchase lights, gifts, cookie ingredients and greeting cards for Groundhog Day.

We woke up at the crack of dawn last Thursday, drove to Dallas (stopping at the Czech Stop in West – as always) and caught our plane to Chicago O’hare. We had an hour layover and we were both hungry. Seeing how I’d never been to Chicago or spent any significant time in O’hare, we decided it would be fitting to find some Chicago-style deep dish pizza. Our on-foot scouting led us to no deep dish pizza. So we settled for a cup of soup and a sandwich.

We finished watching Napoleon Dynamite on the iBook as we flew to Des Moines. Elise’s mom and dad picked us up at the airport. We made our way out of the terminal into the blistering cold to load our luggage into the van. Luckily the weather wasn’t as cold as I was expecting. It was only 5 degrees outside. It wasn’t the 1 degree that I was expecting. Whew – what a difference that made!

Joanne made a 7 layer dip and chicken breasts with black beans and stewed tomatoes for dinner. Steve and I went up to the office and I cleaned up their computer. Eric came over later that evening and we all chatted for a while.

On Friday we woke up had breakfast and went our separate ways. Steve and I did went to Walgreens and to the local computer shop. Elise and Joanne went Christmas shopping, picked up some groceries from the Italian market and picked up Grandma T. Steve and I made it back to the house a lot sooner than the girls. Steve had to iron his shirt before lunch so I took a nap.

The girls came home and we were soon off to church.

I go to church once a year (assuming there are no weddings or funerals) on Christmas eve. I had recently considered becoming a Catholic but ultimately decided against it. My reasoning: Catholics are greedy.

I’ve been with Elise for almost seven years now. No matter how politely I ask, every time we’re in church and it comes time during mass where the congregation goes up to get nachos and cherry Kool Aid, Elise never brings any back for me.

After church we went back to the house where Joanne made tortellini soup with focaccia bread. After dinner we drove around Des Moines for almost three hours looking at Christmas lights.

Saturday was Christmas. I called my parents and then built a Texas-sized snowman (everything except snowmen are bigger in Texas).

Eric and Kim came over after spending time with Kim’s family. We had a great prime rib dinner with mashed potatoes and mixed vegetables. We opened presents late in the afternoon.

Ingrid came over later that evening. Eric and Kim went home shortly after. Steve, Ingrid and I stayed up for a while before Ingrid left and the rest of us went to bed.

Steve, Joanne and Elise went to church on Sunday morning. I stayed back and finished working on Steve and Joanne’s computer and hooking up their new DVD player. Steve and I drove over to Grandma T.’s to hook up her new computer monitor and to install a crossword puzzle game. Steve and I then went to CompUSA and Best Buy to scope out printers and scanners. In the meantime, the girls were returning gifts and doing more shopping at Younkers. We met up for at a local Chinese buffet for dinner. It was shortly after dinner that the cold Elise had been fighting had been passed on to me. We all went home and watched Rudy on DVD.

Sometime during the night, I had a nightmare that didn’t leave me with much sleep. Steve and I went to Dahl’s for candy ingredients and Alka Seltzer. Eric and Kim came over for lunch. Eric and I went to Felix and Oscar’s while Kim and Elise went to Burlington Coat Factory. Eric and Kim treated us to a nice dinner at Greenbrier Restaurant & Bar where Heather met up with us for a nice visit. After dinner the four of us went back to Steve and Joanne to watch the Blue Collar Comedy Tour on DVD.

We woke up at 4:30 a.m. on Tuesday so Steve and Joanne could take us to the airport. I was still very much under the weather. We had breakfast in the Denver International Aiport and caught our next flight to Dallas. We watched Heat on the iBook to pass the time. Luckily all of our luggage arrived and we made our way home.

We stopped at the Czech Stop again for more kolaches and finally made it home to Austin. We unpacked and I took a nap for a couple hours. I woke up, called my boss and told him I wouldn’t be in to work on Wednesday as I was still sick. I went back to bed around 11 p.m. and didn’t wake up until around 12 today. And am I glad I took the day off. I’m still feeling under the weather but should be better tomorrow.

So, Christmas is over. I’m beat and ready to take on 2005 with a fist full of nachos.

Click here for more photos.

Didderen

I had a dream yesterday morning that woke me up in fear of my life and unable to open my eyes.

It was 3:30 in the morning when the phone rang. I immediately woke up and answered it. The voice on the other end was my old boss. I said: “John, 1) why the hell are you calling me? and 2) why the hell are you calling me at 3:30 in the morning?”

He was speaking incoherently. I never made out a single word that he spoke. That was the end of the conversation. I don’t remember if the conversation just ended or if one of us hung up on the other.

The next thing I remember, I was driving to work.

I get to work and there are tons of people about – some walking around the warehouse, others were standing in a long line waiting to consult with my boss, the pharmacist. It was a very stressful, hectic and what seemed as if a time-sensitive scenario.

After putting my things away, I attempted to assess what was going on. I walked alongside the long line that lead to my boss. He was wearing his white lab coat, sitting in a small chair and consulting ‘patients’ on an individual basis. I walked up to him and said “Kevin, what do you need for me to do?” Without looking up or diverting his attention from the current ‘patient’, he stressfully responded: “Do something… do anything!”

I walked back up the line to find someone that I might possibly help. Almost all of the ‘patients’ were staring blankly ahead with no expressions on their faces. I walked to what seemed close to the middle of the long line where I found a young woman who was intently reading a piece of paper.

“Excuse me. My name is Josh. I am Kevin’s assistant. Is there something that I can help you with?”

She looked up at me like I had been sent to save her life. Her name was Maria. She pointed to a line on her piece of paper. She said: “My doctor gave this to me but I don’t understand. I don’t understand what ‘dithering’ is and I need to find out before I go any further.”

“Come with me – maybe I can help you with this.”

We walked over to a small desk near the bay door of the warehouse. Maria took a seat. Before I sat down I told her: “Maria, I’m not well versed in these clinical trials. I know what dithering is as far as graphic design and photo manipulation…”

My first inclination was to use the computer at my desk to query ‘dithering’. Before that thought process was complete, there was a loud crash.

The lights went out.

There was a brief moment of silence.

Before I could make sense of what had just happened, someone screamed: “It’s happening!”

I heard a few people scream: “Oh my God, please, someone help her!”

I heard another voice yell: “She’s coding!”

“Help!” – “This can’t be happening!” – “Someone help her!” – “Do something!” – “Make it stop!” – “Help her!”

‘Her’ wasn’t Maria as I could tell she was still sitting at my desk.

I assertively yelled: “Jerry, get me a crash cart.” (yes, Jerry from ER – I don’t know why I pulled him into my dream)

Jerry didn’t move.

The warehouse was still pitch black. All anyone could use was the sense of sound. Nobody was moving except for the commotion that was coming from off to the side where the screams had come from earlier.

“Jerry, get me a crash cart!!”

Still no movement exept for the screams and the unnatural sounds of motion coming from directly across the warehouse floor.

I stood up and hastily began flanking my way toward where the sound was coming from.

I had no idea why all of these ‘patients’ had been in the office today. I wasn’t aware of any sort of epidemic. Something in the world had obviously changed and I was about to find out what it was.

Before I could make it toward where the screams and shrieks were coming from, I heard a very unnatural sound. Something had seen me and had made its way to its feet. It sounded like bones clanking on the cement floor.

It was still dark but I could see something in my mind’s eye. I could make out what was about to come after me. It was, in fact, a woman, but she was grossly disfigured. This epidemic had completely deteriorated her body to the point where she was a nightmarish inhuman skeleton. She was more ghastly disfigured than Stephen King’s Zelda from Pet Sematary.




She made it to her feet and quickly wobbled her way toward me. Clank. Clank. Clank. All of this happened in a split second. I had no time to react.

Before I knew it, she was on top of me. The screaming stopped. My eyes clenched shut. All I could hear where bones, loosely covered with decaying flesh clanging against one another as this figure enveloped me.

I woke myself up but couldn’t open my eyes. I could feel the cadence in the mattress all the way down to my feet as my heart pounded.

My mouth was frozen open because it was so dry. Who knows how long I could have been uncomfortably asleep with my mouth wide open. I couldn’t breathe. I was afraid to open my eyes because I didn’t know if the nightmare was over. Without motion I laid there for five minutes. I finally pried my eyes open. My heart started to slow down.

I saw frost on the window. With my eyes still open, I didn’t move for half an hour or so. I opened and closed my mouth to sum up enough saliva so I could comfortably breathe again.

Cautiously I got out of bed and went to the bathroom for a drink of water. I went back to bed. Elise stirred and asked if I was alright. I told her I had just had the worst nightmare. She fell back to sleep before I finished my sentence. I stared at the ceiling for what seemed like forever before I fell back to sleep.

dith·er

n. A state of indecisive agitation.

intr.v. dith·ered, dith·er·ing, dith·ers

To be nervously irresolute in acting or doing.

[Alteration of didder, from Middle English didderen, to tremble.]

Getting ready for Christmas travel

I’m officially on vacation. It hasn’t set in yet but when it does, I’m taking full advantage.

This year Elise and I are traveling to the artic village known as Des Moines, Iowa to celebrate Christmas with Elise’s family. I was informed today that it is currently 1 degree in Des Moines. It’s supposed to be colder than 1 degree on Thursday when we arrive. Colder than 1 degree… how the hell is that possible?

I will pay someone to travel to Des Moines on my behalf. I love my in-laws and everything, but colder than 1 degree? That leaves me nothing but a 0 and then on to negative numbers. Life ceases to exist in those temperatures. I’m going to die.

For those who don’t know me, I hate cold weather. I can actually tolerate the cold weather. What I really hate is when it’s cold outside and you have to bundle up to go outside only to get to your inside destination where the heater is cranked and you’ve got 40 lbs. of cold weather clothes to lug around. That and the hot air from heaters and furnaces dries the hell out of my nose and makes for an itchy face.

So I have all day tomorrow off – in Texas. I’m going to make the most of it before I’m shipped off to my frozen grave.

El Arroyo Christmas party

Elise and I went to Philip’s apartment on Friday night after not having seen Philip in months. Rob (Philip’s roommate) came home from work and we all stayed up and watched I, Robot, The Chronicles of Riddick and then we watched Rob play Grand Theft Auto and eat tortilla chips.

We didn’t get home until around 3 a.m. and slept until around 10:30. We went to Hoover’s for chicken fried steaks – after a late night, we needed hearty comfort food.

After lunch we went out for more Christmas shopping. We found one of the items we were looking for but had to head back to the house because Elise had to drop off a catering that evening. I went out to the backyard and pulled up our garden. After her catering, Elise came home and we stayed in and watched TV.

I woke up early on Sunday and washed all the vehicles. We went to Best Buy, Sam’s and Central Market to get more Christmas presents, then home to get ready for El Arroyo’s Christmas party.

The Christmas Party was held at some bar (I can’t remember the name of it for the life of me) adjoining the Spaghetti Warehouse. The party was fun – we apparently missed all the fun because Elise and I were to old fogies who left relatively early. We heard that people fell off of bar stools and a few people were even fired. Too bad we missed all of that!

Monday morning came early. I went into the office and dealt with e-mails and phone messages that had accumulated over the weekend. I found it hard to get anything done because this week is a short week for me. I’m working tomorrow and then that’s it!… I’m taking the rest of the week off and Elise and I are off to Des Moines on Thursday morning.