Stomach knots

I’m having a hard time putting into words the way that losing my job has emotionally broken me down. Last Wednesday while at the office I began composing an email to my boss to spill my guts and tell him that this situation has devastated me and that I should get more out of this deal. Sending that letter just didn’t feel right in my heart of hearts. It was at that point that I totally lost it. I locked myself in the front office and indulged in a break down. I called my Dad for advice and wound up talking to both of my parents for over an hour. They somewhat set my mind at ease but it doesn’t disolve the fact that I am being laid off.

I’m finding it very hard to start my job search. I’m in denial. I’ve been forced into this situation. I have an emotional attachment to my job and I’m being stripped of that.

Today is the day where I am to begin training the big company to take over operations. I woke up this morning and completely lost it again. I sank my head in my hands and broke down again. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this emotionally fucked up. I’ve never used the word fuck on this website so that’s how bad it’s been. I’m not myself. My stomach knots a lot now.  Every hour or so my eyes will just glass over and I can feel my heart sink and my eyes involutarily look down and the flow of serotonin ceases as my mind stops to focus on all that is bad in life right now.  And a Morrissey song is playing in the background.
I’ve experienced depression in the past and know that it will eventually pass. I hate being depressed.  It’s depressing.

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