No rules, just bad

I finally paid myself a sales commission this month and decided to take Elise out on a fancy date. If you know me, you know I like great food. That’s why I decided on The Outback Steakhouse. Really I only wanted to go to the Outback for their Wallaby Darned frozen bellini.

We decided to go ahead and eat while there. Instead of getting full entrees we opted for three appetizers. We ordered a Bloomin’ Onion, Kookaburra Wings and Grilled Shrimp on the Barbie. Gross, disgusting and plain bad. The Bloomin’ Onion was okay because it was fried. The Kookaburra Wings were of the lowest quality chicken that is preservative filled, stringy, chewy, grissly and oh so salty. The grilled shrimp was oddly opaque in color and were stacked identically next to one another which made them look like questionable ocean pieces that came out of shrimp-shaped press.

We didn’t finish even half of any of the three appetizers.

Elise asked before we left, “Do you want to eat here before we go and you can just have your drink?”

“Nah. We can grab something there.”

God, I wish I hadn’t’ve said that. And I know it wasn’t an off night for this franchise. The food is just cheap shit. I feel bad because Elise needed to eat and my unborn child has now been subjected to mechanically separated, saline injected ocean roaches.

From this point forward I am officially a food snob, damnit! I will turn my nose at OSI, the Darden Group and the others.

My child will be raised on organic produce, farm raised protein and other foods chock full of essential vitamins and nutrients that can only be found in the packet of orange cheese powder that comes in the Mac ‘n’ Cheese box.

Roger, Roger

Elise recognized my Dad-to-be funk and tried to help me get out of it by empowering me to research and pick out a baby monitor. A baby monitor is a one way radio that the mom-to-be wears like a chastity belt while the the dad-to-be carries around the “parent unit” so he can hear the baby move and kick around while he’s at work in 5.1 digital surround sound.

I have to admit, before today I knew absolutely nothing about baby monitors. Now I know that there are a wide range of monitors available for puchase. There are cordless monitors, monitors that light up, tell you when you’re out of range, play music and can TiVo episodes of The Wiggles. There are even video baby monitors.

Of course I want a video baby monitor but I don’t think we really need it. Although it would be pretty cool to strap it onto the cat and live vicariously through him. I imagine I’d get a lot more sleep that way.

I found what seems to be a good baby monitor made by Sony. I decided on the Sony model because I think it’s expandable to later become a Playstation 3 and it got some good reviews by other customers. I put it on the baby registry that was, until today, something that I knew existed but was uncertain of its location. Kind of like fabric softener.