I don\’t know jack about where I live

1) Point north.
I can do this, though probably not point due north.

2) What time is sunset today?

3) Trace the water you drink from rainfall to your tap.
I’d trace it if the damn water would hold still and not get my piece of paper wet.

4) When you flush, where do the solids go? What happens to the waste water?
Down the toilet to wherever shit goes to die.

5) How many feet above sea level are you?
High enough to where I’m not currently looting.

6) What spring wildflower is consistently among the first to bloom here?
Indian Paintbrush?

7) How far do you have to travel before you reach a different watershed? Can you draw the boundaries of yours?
No clue.

8) Is the soil under your feet, more clay, sand, rock or silt?
If I had to guess, based on a recent deck project, I’d venture to say clay and then solid rock

9) Before your tribe lived here, what did the previous inhabitants eat and how did they sustain themselves?
Schlotzsky’s or Stubb’s

10) Name five native edible plants in your neighborhood and the season(s) they are available.
Bell peppers, jalapeno peppers, Anaheim peppers, habanero peppers, cayenne peppers. Whenever I plant them. Generally, mid-Spring.

11) From what direction do storms generally come?

The opposite direction from which the weather guy on television advises.

12) Where does your garbage go?
Into the back of a big, blue, loud truck on Tuesday and Friday.

13) How many people live in your watershed?
I don’t have a watershed. If I did, I’d make damn sure those people would be paying rent.

14) Who uses the paper/plastic you recycle from your neighborhood?
Me. Probably in the form of eating utensils or polarized eyewear.

15) Point to where the sun sets on the equinox. How about sunrise on the summer solstice?
You can’t see where I’m pointing, but I’m pointing over there.

16) Where is the nearest earthquake fault? When did it last move?
California. I’ll call my sister and ask when last it moved.

17) Right here, how deep do you have to drill before you reach water?
Probably not very far. It’s hot in my yard so I’ll have a glass of water right next to me, close in reach.

18) Which (if any) geological features in your watershed are, or were, especially respected by your community, or considered sacred, now or in the past?
A salamander.

19) How many days is the growing season here (from frost to frost)?
A lot. There’s 11.5 months between your “frosts”

20) Name five birds that live here. Which are migratory and which stay put?
Pigeons, doves, cardinals, sparrows and hummingbirds. They all come and go.

21) What was the total rainfall here last year?
Not enough to keep the grass green without watering it with the hose.

22) Where does the pollution in your air come from?
Cars and smoke from the burning crosses.

23) If you live near the ocean, when is high tide today?

24) What primary geological processes or events shaped the land here?
Urban development or women’s softball.

25 a) Name three wild species that were not found here 500 years ago.
1) Josh Janicek 2) Hooters waitresses 3) miniature chihuahuas.

25 b) Name one exotic species that has appeared in the last 5 years.
Kinky Friedman

26) What minerals are found in the ground here that are (or were) economically valuable?
Rocks. Most likely for advanced games of Rock, Paper, Scissors that our forefathers played before Texas Hold ‘Em was invented.

27) Where does your electric power come from and how is it generated?
Perdernales Electric Cooperative. It’s generated from the large check that I write to them on the 5th of the month.

28) After the rain runs off your roof, where does it go?
Through the downspout and into the yard.

29) Where is the nearest wilderness? When was the last time a fire burned through it?
2.39 blocks away. Got me.

30) How many days till the moon is full?
No clue

31) What species once found here are known to have gone extinct?
Flash mobbers

32) What other cities or landscape features on the planet share your latitude?
No clue.

33) What was the dominant land cover plant here 10,000 years ago?

34) Name two places on different continents that have similar sunshine/rainfall/wind and temperature patterns to here.
No clue.


One Reply to “I don\’t know jack about where I live”

  1. Just typed in my last name and then .com n found this site, lol. I like how it’s designed and layed out, easy to navigate. I am actually in the process of making my own website right now and am hopefully going to college fo web design. I also saw that you pronounced your last name “yawn-uh-check” or something along those lines. My family pronounces our last name “jan-ih-sek”
    Talk to you again maybe.
    – Steve

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