Vaginyl spectrum

Every Thursday in March from 6:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. we have been belted down in straight jackets and our eyes pried open with levers and pulleys in a classroom at the hospital to watch videos of placenta delivery and a husband (aka “Birth Partner”) in a horrid blue dress shirt with a white collar and suspenders say, “Awww, baby, you doin’ real good” as he coaches and supports his grunting baby mama.

It’s very difficult for me to sit through anything for three hours even if it does include close up photography of a vagina. Last night’s class began with each couple outlining their birth plan by means of flash cards. The cards had opposite labor and delivery options printed on each side. For example: Vaginal Delivery or Cesarean Section.

Our instructor then told us that the birth plan might not go just as we had intended, so we needed to flip over four cards. Then further issues might arrise so we needed to flip over four more cards. Further circumstances required us to flip over four more cards.

We were then left with six of our original birth plan preferences. The instructor then asked the class to offer some of our birth plan options that we just couldn’t let go.

“Vaginyl delivery!” boasted the woman who, during the first class, proudly made it known to everyone of her “graduate studies in New York.” The entire class, instructor included, snickered and desparately attempted to maintain straight faces upon hearing the word “vaginyl”.

Even those of us who are not fortunate enough to have a post-baccalaureate education might use an incorrect term when the focus of the conversation is the vagina. I won’t mention any names but, during our third class, Elise asked if a spectrum is used for an internal exam during labor.

The instructor asked, “Do you mean a speculum?”

“Well, it says here in the brochure that “We proudly deliver babies through the vaginyl opening by using gentle, dancing beams of rainbow-colored lights while you enjoy the soothing sounds of Enya’s “Caribbean Blue” and our 30-foot lobster buffet.”