Janicek.com

Things Elise and I both heard John Madden say during Monday Night Football’s match-up of the Ravens and Steelers:

“Busted through the A-hole”

“He gave him the ol’ reach-around”

“Thanks for urinalysis”

Does anyone know where to get an industrial strength blender for Christmas? Preferably one made out of titanium?

It’s hard to believe that this is only our 2nd Halloween in our house. Last year Josh and I were so excited to finally have trick-or-treaters that we decided to go all out. (You see when you live in an apartment you don’t get trick-or-treaters.) We headed to the local craft store and bought some ornaments to decorate the lawn and house. Then we headed over to the mall to Spencer’s to get some scarier items. We found a noise detector ghost that’s supposed to light up, move and howl whenever it detects noise. It’s really neat too except that you pretty much have to clap your hands to get it to work. We hung it up outside by the door thinking that as trick-or-treaters approached it would go off. No such thing. I don’t think it worked once. The other big thing we bought was a DVD that plays different excerpts of ghouls, ghosts and goblin heads making scary faces and saying scary things. Josh used an old t.v. and set up an elaborate scene in our spare bedroom by our front walkway so the kids would see it as they walked up. He started a couple of weeks before Halloween and spent countless hours working on his scene. He went to the hardware store and found some plexiglass. He hunted outside for sticks and leaves. He rolled an old office chair into the bedroom and found a blanket to use. Long story short, we had a really cool goblin head that looked like it was floating in the room. Josh had also purchased a Michael Myers mask (from the movie “Halloween”) to don when kids came to the door. Do you think any of this scared the kids? Nope. They laughed! We’ve decided that kids are too desensitized today when it comes to horror. Maybe we need to try what my childhood classmate’s family did. Tyler Peterson’s parents always got into Halloween and their house was the “cool” house to go to for treats. Tyler’s mom would dress up like a witch and Tyler’s dad would dress up like a werewolf. They decorated their porch and Tyler’s mom would sit in a rocking chair stirring a black cauldron with dry ice in it. She never broke character and she’d tell you in her best witchy voice to stick your hand in the cauldron to complete her potion. When you’d stick your hand in the cauldron you felt a mushy wet mess that she would then tell you were brains (cooked macaroni noodles). As we left the porch Tyler’s dad would jump out from behind a bush and chase after us. We’d all scream and run away until we were breathless and we’d go back every year…even when we were too old to be scared. I think Josh and I should consider taking this route, although as I sit here and write I can’t help but laugh. Last year we almost ran out of candy and I had to run to the store to buy more. This year I planned ahead and bought candy at Sam’s three weeks in advance. Tonight was chilly and we had far fewer trick-or-treaters than last year. Needless to say the only dent in the 7 lbs of candy I bought is from Josh and me eating it over the last few weeks.

One more thing, where I grew up…Iowa…we had to tell a joke in order to get a treat. That’s why they call it Trick-or-Treat. You have to do a trick (tell a joke) in order to get a treat. By the middle of the night the neighbors answering the doors were finishing your jokes and sometimes would ask you for a different one. You always made sure to have two jokes ready. By the end of the night they were so tired of hearing them they would open the door and all but throw the candy bowl at you. As we got older we got smarter and would wait to trick-or-treat until later. That way we knew everyone would be tired of hearing jokes and would be ready to get rid of their candy. We got a lot of loot that way. I think you would call it power trick-or-treating. Josh made fun of me and said that telling jokes for candy must be some kind of Yankee thing. I told him that explains why people in the north tend to be smarter. We had to work for our candy…

Last week we hired a new employee to help out in the fulfillment department. She’s a great woman and an excellent employee so far.

I got back from lunch this afternoon and was engaged in small talk in the break room. Somehow I brought up Cabo San Lucas. Our newest employee asked if I had been to Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo Cantina.

“Yes, I have.”

“My son was supposed to play there recently”, she replied.

“Really? Is your son in a band?” I asked.

“Yes. He’s 20-years-old and writes all the songs, plays all the instruments and records everything himself”, she explained.

“Does he live here in town?”, I asked.

“Yes, he lives with us here.”

At this point, I was fairly certain as to who her son was but for shits and giggles, I had to ask:

“What kind of music does he play?”

“Heavy metal”, she responded.

“I’ll bet I already know who he is. What’s the name of his band?”

[Slight pause]

“Ahem… Dead Slut.”

Tony Soprano (right) watches over Carmela

Elise and I recently bought two opaline gouramis. We affectionately named them Tony Soprano and Carmela. Carmela got sick yesterday and she’s basically on the verge of moving on. She’s not doing well. What’s sad is that Tony Soprano is trying to help her. He follows her, ever so slowly, and watches over her. He nudges her when she starts to float awkwardly. Elise cries when she watches the fishbowl.

Click here for more photos

I think Erin takes the cake with her impression of Angelina Jolie; complete with son Maddox and daughter Zahara.

It’s kind of hard to get anything done with this dude staring down at me.

My dad, mom, brother and Elise congregated in my parents’ hotel room on Wednesday night while we were all out on a short trip to Pahrump. We talked about all sorts of things over the course of a few hours. One topic was computers and operating systems.

My dad expressed his opinions on computers based on my mom’s ongoing battles with hardware upgrades and system crashes. I chimed in and said that I haven’t had to do anything to my iBook. It’s never really crashed (by Windows standards) and overall, I’ve been really happy with OS X. Dad went on to say, “You know, Don (a longtime friend of the family) has always been into Apple computers. He always told me how easy they were to use. Maybe if we would have paid more attention to Apple, I’d be more interested in computers.”

He then went on to tell us how mom spends days on end working on her computer and how she’s always having to go out and buy a new part or an upgrade.

Mom defended herself by saying, “Oh, I do not!”

To which dad responded, “Oh yes you do! I’ve sat there and watched you work on one thing for three days straight only to have it not work the way you intended. And you’re always on the web needing to buy something new for one of your projects”

Mom retorted, “But at least I’m frugal”

Dad chuckled, “Yeah, but you’re frugal A LOT!”

My name is Joshua David. Many think that my name is very Biblical. It is, but that’s not as it was intended. I was named after the indigenous desert tree and my father. I finally met my namesake in the Nevada desert this week.

Elise calls this composition “Joshua on Joshua”

And yes, that is Joshua Tree bark in my hand. And yes, I’m going to cook with it.

Yesterday I was that guy who got the full-on inspection at the Austin airport. Then I decided it was time for dinner. Elise wasn’t hungry so I had a Salt Lick pulled pork sandwich. Aside from the gnarled food vendor inspection sticker I found in the pulled pork, the sandwich was okay.

We got to Las Vegas at 10 p.m., picked up our van and headed over to Treasure Island to watch the Sirens of TI show. We missed it by ten minutes. We walked inside TI and watched the 14th inning of the Astros vs. Sox game. Elise had a virgin dacquiri, I had a scotch. About that time they were having another showing of Sirens. The show is a little bit different than what I remember seeing as a kid. It was more like a Britney Spears concert.

After the show we went back in to TI to play a hand of Blackjack. Our luck hasn’t changed. We walked back to the van and drove north to the Lake Mead area to find a less expensive hotel at which to stay. Everything in Vegas is booked for some reason. It was 1:30 a.m. PST at that point and we were tired, cranky and lost. We became the typical lost and tired tourists which lead to the typical lost and tired tourists’ argument as to who is the better driver.

We finally found a Hilton Garden Inn that had a room available at a rate that I’m sure isn’t much less in price than any of the big hotels on the strip.

So we checked in and hit the hay. This morning we’re headed out to Pahrump to meet up with my parents, who are on their annual southwest U.S. tour, at Grampa’s house.

I hope after we have our child John teaches me how to magically shrink a Corona Light into a baby-sized bottle.

A couple months ago I stopped at HEB on the way home from work to get groceries for dinner. I made my purchases and loaded the truck. I stuck my key in the ignition and pushed the clutch down with my left foot. At that point I plugged my iPod into the tape adapter and started scrolling through my playlists to find some good driving tunes for the last leg of my commute home.

Still scrolling through playslist I was jarred forward and was startled by a loud boom that reverberated through the truck’s frame. I had no idea what had just happened as the truck wasn’t running and I hadn’t moved. I glanced up and looked in the rear view mirror, thinking that someone hit me from behind. Nothing behind me. Then I looked through the windshield to find that I had rolled four feet forward and hit the parked truck in front of me. I guess my subconcious convinced my appendages that it was necessary to hold in the truck’s clutch in order to operate an iPod.

“Uh… oops!”

I laughed at myself, started the truck and backed up so the two vehicles were no longer kissing and so I could assess any damages. I didn’t get out of my truck. Instead I leaned forward and took a good gaze at the old truck in front of me. The truck I tapped had obviously been around the block a few times and it didn’t look like my little mistake added any damage.

It was then that I saw a lady sitting in her car parked to the right of the truck I hit. She had to have seen what had just happened because our eyes briefly met. So I decided to do the right thing. I made it obvious that I was pulling out a pen and piece of paper. With exaggerated motions I began to write my note and keep a spying eye on my witness. I think she wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. Once she saw that I was in the process of writing a note to leave on the window, she backed out and started driving away. I watched as my witness turned onto the highway and drove off.

I looked down at my note.

I’ve read and heard that you’re not supposed to write e.g. blog about work. I don’t like being censored, I’m not afraid, I’m still in my-job-doesn’t-define-me training and if you’re my future employer, hello. Not that I’m looking. Awe crap, look what I’ve up and done now.

That being said, I fired my “assistant” on Friday. Her title wasn’t My Assistant, it was actually Marketing Coordinator, or Developer, or Something Or Other. But when “it” need to roll downhill, 98.43% of the time, “it” rolled straight to her. She was my point-person. My #2. I had a year-and-a-half professional investment in her. I trained her one-on-one and she eventually took the majority of the production work off of my plate.

Against advisement I gave her chance after chance after chance. I wholeheartedly wanted her to succeed. She had other plans.

I had a hard time sleeping on Thursday night. It was a hard reality that I had to face. So hard in fact that it was sympathy card worthy by Elise. I came home on Friday night to a reaffirming card in my drawer.

My heart was in my throat all day Friday. I fired her that morning and had heartburn for the rest of the day. I don’t get heartburn often and when I do, it’s self inflicted by either 1) habanero hot wings or 2) firing someone that means something to me.

I think back of the time spent and all of the opportunities there and it just eats at me.

I’m going to go make hot wings.

Hot damn, I can’t wait to be a dad!

We decided to spruce up the office a little bit because, well, it needed it. I told the girls that I wanted to put 2″ faux wood blinds in the front end of the office. The girls went out and bought the blinds which left me to install them. Our office is essentially a warehouse and is sturdily constructed. I had to drill through metal to install the blinds. In doing so I broke three drill bits. So I shopped titanium drill bits on Amazon.com this evening to replace my broken bits. How can you not entertain the notion of purchasing drill bits with a “parabolic flute design that improves chip ejection”.

- King crab legs
- Schlotzsky’s smoked turkey and jalapeno pizza
- Apple’s weekly “special events”
- Coheed & Cambria
- Speeding
- Gaining sympathy weight
- Air drums

Victor called me earlier this week and we decided to go out for dinner since we hadn’t seen each other in 6 months.

Notorious VIC came over to our house on Friday evening and the three of us loaded up and went to Mesa Ranch. Talk about a fantastic dinner! Every thing on the Texas fare menu sounded fantastic. I bought a $25 coupon on Amazon.com for $10 earlier that afternoon so I figured we’d load up on appetizers.

• Cactus fried in Shiner Bock beer batter with Tequila Ranch & white queso
• Grilled poblano rellenos filled with Mexican cheeses & grilled shrimp, served with avocado corn salsa
• Fresh jalapeños stuffed with goat cheese, wrapped in bacon & fried in Shiner Bock beer batter, served with Tequila Ranch sauce

Those awesome & filling apps didn’t stop us from ordering full dinners complete with fresh green salads and avocado & cilantro dressing.

Elise had the grilled spice rubbed pork tenderloin and apple chipotle chile chutney with cinnamon whipped sweet potatoes & grilled vegetables. If you closed your eyes and try to imagine what Christmas would taste like in Texas, that plate would sum it up. All of the ingredients were very well balanced and you could taste each one. The tenderloin was cooked perfectly and melted in your mouth.

Victor and I both opted for the 8oz. filet mignon with potato au gratin & grilled asparagus. It’s been almost a full day since that meal and I’m still wondering if I have ever eaten a better steak than the one I had last night. I ordered mine medium rare and it was absolutely to die for. I’ve been fantasizing about that steak all day… it’s excellent marbling, the flavor, the texture.

Chef Rob came out of the kitchen when the dinner rush died down and sat with us to chat for a while. I asked him about the steaks – where he gets them, how they’re seasoned and cooked. He told me it was all in the seasoning. A unique 14 herbs and spices seasoning that Mesa Ranch is talking about branding and selling as their own.

Ater dinner we all came back to the house and chatted for a while. Victor went home and we went to bed shortly after where I dreamt about that steak!

I’m spending most of my Saturday “cleaning house”. I’m finding stuff that I don’t need and putting it on eBay. One item of which is my desktop Windows PC. I was cleaning the drives and found a video from almost ten years ago. It was a time shortly after I met a girl named Elise.

Click to play

My friend Philip works offshore on an oil rig. This year they let the crew do some fishing during their off time.

Philip wrote and said he’s bringing back 40 lbs. of yellow fin tuna. I offered to cook so we’re going to have a full on tuna feast party extravaganza!

I’m thinking about wild berry and wasabi; mango habanero; cilantro, poblano & corn salsa. Maybe some roasted coconut rice… Can’t wait till next weekend!

Ever since buying my first iPod over two years ago I’ve been a big fan of Apple Computers (I have some old photos circa ‘86 that my Mom scanned and e-mailed and I’m still looking for the one of me sitting in front of our first computer, an Apple IIGS Woz).

Shortly after buying that iPod I purchased stock in Apple. Since then I’ve made a nice chunk of change ($21/share back then). I like to keep up-to-date on new products from Apple because 1) I’m a consumer and 2) because I’m an investor.

I was excited when Apple invited the press for the recent “One more thing…” Special Event. All speculations were on a video iPod, which they announced. Cool, but I don’t really want or need a video iPod. Also announced was the new iMac. I read about it and wasn’t really impressed until I watched Steve Jobs’ keynote speech. I don’t care who you are, that’s a fun computer right there.

A few weeks ago I told my office manager that I was thinking about getting a new computer. I currently use a three-year-old Dell that is crapping out on me. Outlook does not work anymore no matter what I try (I’ve since switched to Thunderbird for work e-mail). Word opens when it wants to. I can no longer print PDFs for whatever reasons. Those crucial work-related applications that don’t work aside, my computer is now painfully slow. Keep in mind that I am anal about keeping my work PC in tip-top shape. I defrag and clean my drive regularly. I meticulously run antispyware scans and keep everything organized and “clean” overall. But to no avail. I don’t have time to troubleshoot anymore. I run a business. I’m busy and need a reliable computer for work.

So my office manager told me to buy a new computer. She understands listens to my nerdiness. I told her I was going to wait until October 12 to see what Apple was coming out with. I read about the new iMac and even though not thoroughly impressed, I showed my OM the iMac webpage. Prior to that I shopped the Mac mini as I’m seriously considering getting a Mac for my work computer (I’m really iffy about the hefty investment in an iMac [and what my boss would say]). After showing my OM the price for the iMac she responded, “Oh, wow! That’s not that bad!”

Wow! I’m on the fence. Maybe I should fall off the fence and land on the side that I know will still work in three years (and get a photo on the way to that other side!)…

Friday morning update: I got to work this morning and tried to print a shipping label.

Hmmm… So I tried printing a test sheet from Notepad.

Ahhh… yes, the RPC server. What the hell is the RPC server?

If my fist manages to make it through the day without going through my monitor it will be a good one.

I saw this trailer hitch adornment on the way in to work this morning.

Elise called me at the office this afternoon.

Elise: … so I think we should spend some more quality time with each other.
Josh: …
Elise: Did you hear what I just said? You weren’t even listening to me.
Josh: I’m waiting for this damn DNS record change to propagate…
Elise: ?
Josh: *sigh*
Elise: Is that like waiting on a B.M.?

I’ve always heard stories about Jehovah’s Witnesses and how they knock on your door and talk to you for extended periods of time trying to recruit new members.

There was a knock at the door last weekend. I was at home alone while Elise was working. I snuck up to the front door while trying not to step on a part of the hardwood that would make a noise and give away the fact that someone was at home. I eased my face to the peep hole and saw two girls standing outside the front door.

“All right, chicks!”, I thought.

I opened the door and was greeted by my two visitors. After polite introductions, one of the girls immediately started talking about the damage caused by hurricane Katrina and then something about Korea. She asked if she could leave some literature with me. I agreed to the leaving of the literature. I was gaining insight that this was a religious calling. I tried to muster some witty comment about needing to be excused because the goat’s blood on the stove was probably boiling over. I decided against being witty and instead gave them both a pair of these.

She said they would be back at a later time. We said our goodbyes, she handed me some pamphlets and I closed to the door. I looked down at my newly acquired literature to find imformation from The Watchtower Society. I’m not religious by conventional standards so I just threw the papers away.

The girls came back on Wednesday while Elise was home. She didn’t answer the door because she was actually boiling goats blood. Pregnant women have weird cravings. The girls came by two other times that day as well. Elise never answered the door.

So now I can say I’ve had Jehovah’s Witnesses come to my door. Stay tuned for the inevitable Elvis sighting.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about having headshots done. It would come in handy for my AIM account and one day I will change the world and it will be required that I have a headshot on the corporate website.

I was going through my digital photos tonight and all I could come up with was this:

Common sense. If it’s common, I guess there’s enough to go around. What’s a little extra?

That’s a really tough question. It’s like that Cinderella song, “Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)”. If I were to lose a sense, I’d probably have to quit my job. Not that my job requires all of my senses but I would want to quit so I could evaluate what I would do for the rest of my life with my remaining 4 senses.

I would become a chef.

Now, what sense would I give up if I had to? I guess I’d have to give up hearing. It’s amazing what you hear while cooking if you really pay attention, but I think that’s the one to go.

• Sight: need to see what I’m doing
• Smell: need it to smell foods
• Taste: kind of essential
• Touch: (runner up) need it for cooking/plating – though it might be nice to not feel a finger getting sliced or hot oil splashing up on my arm.

Elise and I both didn’t sleep well last night. I was laying in bed, watching the Packers vs. Panthers game and could barely keep my eyes open. Elise was next to me, painfully inching her way around the bed trying to find a comfortable position so her back would stop hurting from an apparent urinary tract infection.

I turned off the game and it was then that I became restless. I layed still and thought about nothing. I started getting sleepy again. Then the cat meowed. And meowed. And meowed. We both layed there and thought he would eventually quit meowing. He didn’t. Elise is usually the one who gets up to take care of feline-related activities. She was bed ridden so I had to herd cats. Riley knows when I’m pissed so he ran and hid the moment he heard me getting out of bed. I left the back door open and walked away. Both cats ran outside.

I went back to bed and fell asleep soon after.

Dream #1: I’m carrying a large red barrel of full of finely ground human carcass and partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil to be dumped into the sewer at the northwest intersection of I-35 and Ben White. I don’t know why it was my job to dispose of ground up humans, but I was doing it. I remember looking into the barrel and realizing that there is nothing visably large enough that would distinquish the contents as human.

Dream #2: Same northwest intersection but now I’m in what used to be the Hawthorne Suites. Only now the suites are a dilapidated ghetto. There is looting and rioting. Gun shots are being fired from every direction. There’s a skinny androgynous black kid who is laying waste to almost every target in his path with a Tommy gun-style fully automatic shotgun.

I realize that I’m going to get shot soon if I don’t try to find a way out. I turn around in my steps and start heading back in the direction from which I came. A guy came through the door and pointed a gun at me. I dropped to my stomach and put my arms on the ground above my head as to surrender. I woke up.

Dream #3: I’m sitting on the bank of a huge, still lake at dusk. There is a cargo raft floating slowly toward the bank to my right. The cargo raft is carrying huge cubes of dreams stacked eight high and eight across. A dinosaur serpent with a long neck lifts its head from below the water and gently tosses the raft into the air and to the other side of the lake. I roll over in bed and the sequence starts again. This happened 3-4 times. I don’t know what cubes of dreams actually look like but my subconcious put them there.

Dream #4: I’m walking around the outside of our house and find the control area for an intricate sprinkler system under the office window. It looked like what I would imagine a plane cockpit to look like. I crouched down and got halfway into the control area and looked around. There was a GPS display and all sorts of buttons, knobs and levers. I thought, “Hmmm, all this time and I never knew we had a sprinkler system.”

Dream #5: I’m exploring our house again. I find a lower level that’s painted bright white. I walk into what is kind of like a garage. I turn a right corner and see a long, straight hallway. To the right is a white stairway that leads to what I would guess the main part of the house. In front of me are two moms and two non-descript children. They’re discussing spiders. The two moms can’t seem to remember the names of two of our indigenous poisonous spiders. I tell them that one is the brown recluse and the other is the black widow. They both ask what a brown recluse looks like. I tell them that it’s the one that has a voilin-shaped marking on its body. They asked about the black widow. At that point I look down at my white shirt. There is a tiny black widow, no larger than my pinky nail, on my abdomen. I point out the spider to the moms and chuckle. They both giggle as well. Then the spider takes off and crawls up the back of my shirt with breakneck speed. It felt like a spider a hundred times its size was clawing up my back and pulling my shirt down on the way. Then it stopped. My intuition told me that it was sitting on my shirt collar at the back of my neck.

I woke up. I kept shivering because I thought I had a tiny black widow on my neck.

What’s weird is it is very seldom that I remember my dreams. Each time I woke myself up last night I wanted to immediately go back to sleep to find out what I was going to get into next.

Elise has a really bad kidney infection (it might just be a urinary tract infection). She’s had them in the past but this one is the big daddy. This one has her out for the count. She had to leave work early today to come home to lay down. In the eight years that I’ve known Elise I think she’s missed two days of work due to being sick.

I stopped at Central Market on my home from work today so I could buy her a bottle of pure cranberry juice. She’s laying relatively flat and comfortable on the couch right now. She’s still in a lot of pain and is hoping it will go away on its own before her doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon.

To add insult to injury I got a letter from Humana today. I’m not insurable because I’m an expectant parent. Me. The father.

So when we have our child, will I be uninsurable because I’m a parent? Will the auto insurance company call and tell me I can’t have insurance because I have a car? Then what? A dropped homeowner’s policy because I have a house?

I never really paid attention during political debates when the topic was healthcare and insurance. I will now.

I love the smell of green peppercorns. I love the smell so much that I did some poking around to see if I could find a cologne that contained green peppercorns.

Here’s what I found:

FCUK Him contains head notes of sangria, basil, rosemary and lavender, a heart of hemp, New Mexican black sage, green peppercorns and tea leaves and a drydown of black suede, CO2 vanilla, ebony wood and patchouli. [link]

“Josh, you smell fantastic. What are you wearing?”

“FCUK Him!”

For those who don’t frequent Apple.com:

The inspiration

The website

The iPod nano is one of the hottest consumer electronics on the market right now. I thought it would be cool to do a spoof on Apple.com’s current incarnation to make public the news that Elise and I are expecting.

Janicek nano — Millions of cells. Impossibly small.

No, we’re not going to name our first-born “Nano” and “Maly” hasn’t been discussed.